


For Pete's Sake

by ConnieBailey



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:33:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 29,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23444785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConnieBailey/pseuds/ConnieBailey
Summary: Since being bitten by a radioactive spider, Peter Parker's life has become vastly different. He's now strong and sticky as well as super-smart. He's dealt successfully with criminals, the Avengers, and even Tony Stark, but he has no idea how to deal with Wade Wilson aka Deadpool.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Comments: 16
Kudos: 206





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel to The Peter Principle and will be followed by For the Love of Pete. Various characters from the MCU make appearances.

“Excuse me.” Tony Stark tapped Deadpool on the shoulder.

“Piss off,” Deadpool hissed without bothering to look around.

Tony recoiled slightly. “Hey, Red Riding Hood. You want to check the attitude?”

“Look, pal, back the fuck off.” Deadpool finally turned, one hand reaching for a sword. “I saw him first.” He recognized Tony and froze in mid-draw.

“Funny. I don’t remember inviting you,” Tony said.

“Oh, hey there, Stark.” Deadpool assumed a nonchalant demeanor. “If you’re starting to forget things, you should probably lay off the weed.”

Peter snickered and Tony shot him a very effective glare. “Sorry, Mr. Stark, it just struck me funny.”

“Why are you apologizing to him?” Deadpool said. “He’s the one being a dick.”

Tony fixed a steely glare on Deadpool. “You’ll have to leave now.”

“You’d really throw me out? Before we’ve danced the Lambada?” Deadpool grabbed Peter and did a brief, comic tango that still managed to be erotic.

Tony took hold of Peter’s wrist and pulled him away. “Knock it off, clown,” he said.

“Knock it off, clown?” Deadpool mimicked. “Is that really the best you can do? People keep telling me what a keen wit you have. Tongue like a razor blade, they say. Meh. I just don’t see it. I’ve had worse burns from my toaster oven.”

Peter was a little breathless from the dance. “I don’t mind if he stays, Mr. Stark,” he said.

Tony gave him a disbelieving stare. “Yes. You. Do. You mind very much, and you want him to go away right now before he contaminates you any further.”

“Contaminate,” Deadpool repeated. “I like the sound of that.” He looked over at May as she stopped next to Tony and Peter. “Hello, gorgeous. You must be Peter’s aunt. Good looks run in your family.” He bowed and kissed her hand.

“Who?” May managed to say as she pulled her hand back.

“ _That_ is Deadpool,” Tony answered.

“Oh, yeah,” she said. “I’ve heard of him. People say he’s a real potty-mouth.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Everybody cusses.”

“I better not hear you cussing,” she said.

“For fuck’s sake,” Deadpool said. “He’s eighteen.” He paused. “That’s right, isn’t it? I was told this is his eighteenth birthday.”

“Finally,” Peter said under his breath.

May heard him, of course. “Don’t wish it away,” she said, in the tone of someone who has said these words many times and will say them many times again.

“The only thing we’re wishing away is Cesspool,” Tony said.

“Cesspool?” Deadpool laughed. “What are you? Nine? Nine and a half?”

Before Tony could retort, Peter spoke. “Mr. Stark,” he said, struggling not to smile. “I get that he’s crude, but he’s not a bad guy, is he?”

“No,” Tony said grudgingly. “Not technically.”

“Why not let him stay? He probably doesn’t get invited to many parties.”

“Hey!” Deadpool interjected.

May put a hand on Tony’s arm. “We have to let our kids make their own mistakes,” she said softly.

“Hey!” Deadpool repeated with more feeling.

Tony looked from May to Deadpool to Peter as he considered. In the past three years, he’d grown closer to Peter and the mentoring had morphed into a quasi-fatherly role. He still wasn’t sure if he liked it or not, but he loved it, and it felt good—most of the time. Maybe he should lighten up and— “Nah,” he said. He looked over his shoulder. “Bruce! Front and center. I need a party crasher smasher.”

Deadpool held up a hand. “Let’s not be hasty.” He prepared to backflip away if Banner headed in his direction. He might be reckless, but he wasn’t foolhardy enough to take on the Hulk.

“Tony,” May said. “Don’t you think there are enough superpersons here to deal with _that one_ if he gets out of line?”

“When,” Tony answered. “ _When_ he gets out of line.”

“Mr. Stark?” Peter said. “What’s going on? You’re acting weird.”

“Yeah,” Bruce asked from behind Tony. “What’s going on?”

“Have you met Deadpool?” Tony gestured.

Bruce came around to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Tony. “No, I’m sure I haven’t.” He eyed Deadpool’s tall, sculpted body clad in red and black leather. “I would have remembered _him_.”

“Don’t feel bad,” Deadpool told Bruce. “Tony’s never met me either. Yet, he assumes he knows me and what I’m going to do.”

Tony crossed his arms over his chest. “Did you really think you could operate out in the world without attracting attention? SHIELD has a massive file on you. We’re talking Jupiter-sized. Also, I talk to Professor Xavier from time to time, and your name has come up.”

“Oh, I’m sure it has. Charles has quite the crush on me. He keeps inviting me to his mansion where he keeps all these “talented” boys and girls.” He turned to Peter. “I’m sure a pretty little mutant like you got an invitation.”

“Um, Mr. Stark?” Peter glanced at Tony. “What’s he talking about?”

“He’s talking about the X-Men. Crudely. Because he’s got no class,” Tony answered.

“Are you just going to keep insulting me?” Deadpool asked. “Not offended, just curious. I’m a big fan of your Congressional TV show, by the way.” He turned to Peter again. “How would you like to blow this squaresville scene with me? I’ll show you a really good time.”

Peter stood blinking in indecision. Rationally, he knew there was no way he could leave here with this guy, but he suddenly wanted to do just that. His aunt, Mr. Stark, and the rest of his friends showed every sign of losing their shit just because he was _talking_ to this Deadpool guy. He was smart enough to know the psychology at play here. Deadpool wore a patina of allure simply because the adults/authority figures didn’t approve of him. But knowing didn’t mean he was immune, and he’d found Deadpool intriguing before Mr. Stark had intervened. He was sure MJ would like him, and she was Peter’s yardstick of cool.

Tony did not like the wistful, lip-biting expression of vacillation on Peter’s face. He’d read all of SHIELD’s files on Wade Wilson aka Deadpool, and though he didn’t know the man personally, he felt sympathy for what he’d endured; Tony _was_ human, after all—no matter how inconvenient it was at times. However, he was sure right down to his marrow that he didn’t want Peter having anything to do with this unbalanced man who was way way too old for him. 

Steve Rogers joined the growing crowd. “Problem, Tony?”

Deadpool looked over at Steve and whistled. “ _Ai, caramba_!” he exclaimed. “ _Muy caliente_!” He felt the weight of Bucky’s scowl over Steve’s shoulder and was distracted from his admiration of Steve’s physique. “ _Lo siento, guapo_. Didn’t know he had a boyfriend.”

“Is this joker a guest?” Steve asked Tony.

“Well, I’m sure as hell not the Joker, gorgeous. That’s a whole different ‘verse.”

Nothing Deadpool said made a lot of sense, but he was funny and brazen, and he didn’t appear to care what anyone thought of him. Peter liked him.

“From the sound of it, your brains are scrambled,” Steve said. “But that won’t stop me from making you leave, if Mr. Stark doesn’t want you here.”

Bucky moved to stand at Steve’s side. “Say the word,” he growled.

“Uh, wow, this is getting tense,” Peter said. “Mr. Pool?” 

“What is it, Shortcake?”

Peter ignored the endearment. “This party is really just for family.”

“Well, if the birthday boy wants me to go, I have to grant his wish.” Deadpool did a pirouette. “But are you sure you want to send your fairy godfather away?”

Peter chuckled. “For now,” he said. “Mr. Stark is right. This is his home, and if he doesn’t want you here, you should leave. We can meet later and have a soda or something.”

“That’s adorable.” Deadpool reached out to pinch Peter’s cheek and found himself facing Black Widow, who wore a deceptively flirty smile. “What have we here?” he said delightedly.

“The boys are getting all puffy because they smell danger to one of the herd,” Natasha said softly. “They don’t even know what they’re riled up about, but that won’t stop them from kicking you out of here with extreme prejudice. I don’t recommend the experience.”

“I was just about to leave, but now that you’re here, I wouldn’t mind going a few rounds with you. Just for the physical contact, of course.”

Natasha rolled her eyes as a smiled played around her full lips. “Just go. You can try your charm another time.”

“You know… I’m starting to get the feeling I’m not welcome.” Deadpool glanced at Tony.

Tony bared his teeth in an expression that could be taken for a grin by someone severely near-sighted or unfamiliar with human facial displays. To his left and right, the Avengers had well and truly assembled. All of them were giving Deadpool the stinkeye, even the ones who weren’t quite sure what was happening. They saw Black Widow facing off with a costumed guy that Iron Man clearly didn’t care for either. That was enough to put them in combat mode.

“Okay, okay, I’m going.” Deadpool turned to Peter again. “See you soon,” he said, blowing a kiss before he parkoured off into the sunset.

At that moment, Pepper’s fireworks display went off, silhouetting Deadpool against a rain of red, gold, and green sparks. Tony saw the look of incipient hero-worship on Peter’s face and his heart sank. This was one talk he did not want to have.


	2. Two

Part Two

The day after the birthday party, Happy picked Peter up in one of the Stark limos for a meeting with Tony. When Peter walked into the office, he was happy to see Pepper Potts; he wanted to thank her in person. She and Tony were sitting on one of the couches with champagne flutes in their hands.

“Hello, Peter,” Pepper said. “I’m so glad you could come.”

“Thanks again for the awesome party, Miss Potts,” Peter said. He smoothed his jacket. “And for this great suit. MJ says I look greasy in it.”

Pepper glanced over at Tony on her right side. “Greasy?”

“It’s just a word the kids use when they don’t want grownups to know they’re talking about S E X,” Tony told her. He winked at Peter.

“Sit over here.” Pepper indicated a chair on the other side of the coffee table. “We’d like you to join us in a toast.” She handed Peter a flute. “It’s okay. It’s ginger ale like mine.”

Peter picked up the glass.

Tony cleared his throat, glanced at Pepper, and then spoke. “For reasons, we wanted to let you in on this. For a while, we’ve been trying—”

“We’re having a baby,” Pepper said.

“Woman!” Tony glared at her. “You said I could tell him.”

“Are you saying I told you one thing and did another?” Pepper raised her eyebrows. “What kind of person does that?”

“That was mean,” Tony insisted.

Pepper laughed. “I’m sorry.”

“I thought we were starting with a clean slate?”

“No, just you,” Pepper said. She turned to Peter. “What do you think?”

“I uh, I think that’s great. Can you imagine what a great kid you’ll have?”

“I’m trying,” Tony said honestly. “I’m still a little dazed. This will be the biggest project I’ll ever take on, but I’m… optimistic.”

Peter’s gaze went to Pepper and then came back to Tony. “Don’t stress if you aren’t the perfect dad. He or she or whatever is going to have the best big brother in the history of big brothers. If that’s okay.”

Pepper laughed. Though she hadn’t had a lot of contact with Peter, she could see why Tony had taken a personal interest in him. “I’m going to enjoy getting to know you better, Peter.”

“Me too. So—” Peter finished his ginger ale. “When is it…? When are you due?”

“Just under seven months,” Pepper said.

“Wow, can I tell Aunt May?”

“Sure.” Pepper stood up. “I have some things to take care of. Will you boys be okay without supervision?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Peter and Tony said at the same time.

“Oh my god, this is amazing!” Peter exclaimed after Pepper was gone.

“Do I look ready? Because I don’t feel ready.”

“Aunt May says if people waited until they were ready to have kids, the population would die out.”

“A wise woman your aunt.” Tony cleared his throat again. “Listen, there’s something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

Peter looked at Tony with complete trust. “What is it, Mr. Stark?”

“Could you not give me the puppy dog eyes? Aren’t you a little old for that?”

“Sorry, Mr. Stark.” Peter looked at the carpet. “I’m not doing it on purpose.”

“I want to talk about this Deadpool character, because he’s obviously interested in you.”

Peter’s jaw dropped. “You don’t think he was joking around?”

“I wish.” Tony sighed. “I know you had sex ed, and you’re not a child, and blah blah blah, but there’s a huge difference between knowing the mechanics of internal combustion and actually driving a sports car.”

Peter looked in surprise. “Excuse me?” Did Mr. Stark really think he didn’t have any experience? True, school and crime-fighting didn’t leave a lot of spare time, but even if he wasn’t a player, he wasn’t a complete loser either.

Tony tried again. He had zero idea how to be a dad, only examples of how _not_ to be one, but he was going to have to step up his game. Might as well start now. “I just think you should try a bicycle first. Make sense?”

Peter shook his head.

“Come on, Junior. You’re not that naïve.”

“Are you saying Mr. Pool is too fast for me?”

“Yes!” Tony’s relief was palpable in his voice and expression. “That’s exactly it.”

“I can handle him.”

“No!” Tony’s face changed with comic rapidity. “No, you can’t.”

“This is actually kind of gross.”

“I know.” Tony sighed. “Pepper told me this was a bad idea, but… I just….”

“What?”

Tony put a hand on Peter’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all. I feel kind of responsible for you. I brought you into the Avengers’ world.”

“I know, Mr. Stark. It’s okay. It’s more than okay. I love being an Avenger.”

“Avenger-in-training.” Tony cleared his throat. “So, when this clown shows up again, and I know he will, you’ll tell him to fuh— buzz off, right?”

Peter shrugged. “I don’t know what I’ll say.”

“How could you not know what to say? I just told you what to say.”

“I heard you, but he’s… interesting, you know?”

“In a morbid way, I suppose.”

“You talk like you know him.”

Tony sat back. “I’ve read his file. He’s an amoral killing machine with a sick sense of humor.”

“I thought he was pretty funny.”

“He’s twisted, kid. Any contact with him is not recommended.”

“How is he twisted?”

“Well, he doesn’t sacrifice chickens and call up Satan or make pajamas out of human skin, but he’s twisted, believe me. I’ve spent time with the Winter Soldier, so I have a pretty good feel for how far a person is torqued.”

“Are you trying to avoid saying he’s gay?”

“Not at all. And for the record, he describes himself as pansexual. You know what that means?”

“I took Latin, so yeah.”

Tony told him anyway. “It means he’ll have sex with anyone or anything and now he’s interested in you.”

Peter blushed, felt his cheeks grow warm, and was a little annoyed. He’d really hoped he’d outgrow that by now. “Come on, Mr. Stark. It’s not like that.”

“Maybe you _are_ that naïve.” Tony shook his head. “I almost offered him a drool bib.”

“So that’s what he meant by that remark about me being legal.”

“Uh, yeah, hello?”

“So what?” Peter said quickly. “Is it against the law for him to like me?”

“You’re just a kid,” Tony burst out. He instantly wished he could call the words back, but it was too late.

“I’m eighteen,” Peter said predictably. “I can’t be a kid forever and you’ll have to get used to that.” He paused. “I didn’t mean to yell at you, Mr. Stark, but… it’s none of your business.”

Once he got over the initial spark of anger, Tony was proud of Peter for standing up to him, though he wasn’t happy with the outcome of their talk. He reminded himself that he was the new, more mature Tony Stark, complete with future wife and child. This was good practice, and he genuinely cared about this kid.

“Mr. Stark?”

“It’s fine, Pete.” Tony patted Peter’s shoulder and said what he knew he should say. “You’re a good kid, a smart kid. I should trust you to do the right thing.” He stood up. “Now how would you like to see what Rhodey’s been up to?”

“I’d love to!” Peter bounced up and followed Tony out of the office.

Once in the hall, Tony put an arm around Peter’s shoulders and was relieved to feel no residual stiffness. Peter, it seemed, had already forgiven him for that god-awful mess of a conversation. Man, it was no picnic when you cared about people.


	3. Three

Peter crouched in the dim light atop a stack of crates that gave him a view of the warehouse floor. He’d become suspicious when a truck entered a building that was supposed to be empty. Once inside, he’d watched a rough-looking crew load the truck with boxes and barrels marked Explosives and Ammunition. He was pretty sure the weapons were illegal, and that he should do something about it.

“What’s going on?”

Peter almost revealed his position when Deadpool settled next to him on the crates. “What? What are you doing here?” he whispered.

“Looking for you. Whatcha doin’?”

“Shhh, I’m surveilling criminals.”

“Oooh! That sounds like fun! Can I play?”

“Keep your voice down.”

“Why?” Deadpool asked loudly. “It’s not like those amateurs down there could give either of us a real fight.”

“Cut it out!” Peter moved back from the edge as the armed men raised their weapons in the direction of Deadpool’s voice.

“You seem inhibited,” Deadpool said to Peter. “Is it because you have company? Want me to get rid of them?”

“What?”

Deadpool stood and faced Peter. “Back in a mo,” he said before executing an immaculate back flip with a twist to land on his feet facing the gunmen. “I’d like to be alone with my new boo,” he said. “So, you’ll have to leave now.”

“Fuck you!” one of the men yelled.

“Not if I fuck you first.” Deadpool staggered as a bullet hit him in the shoulder. “Ow. Now that was just rude,” he said before he leaped sideways behind another stack of crates. A moment later, he popped out the other side with guns in both hands. Eight shots, eight dead bad guys. “Hey, Shortcake, you can come out now,” he called to Peter.

Peter leaped to ground beside Deadpool. He immediately spotted the hole in Deadpool’s shoulder. “You’ve been shot.”

“Oh right, I forgot.” Deadpool pulled a zipper and peeled his costume back from his neck. The damage to the torn, bloody flesh was repairing itself, as he’d expected.

“It’s healing,” Peter said in wonder.

Deadpool shrugged. “Should already be healed by now. Guess I’m slowing down.”

“How old are you anyway? Not that it matters. I’m just, you know, curious.”

“I don’t have an age. I’m immortal, which means ageless, ergo, no age.”

“Yeah sure you are.”

“I’m crapping you negative. I can’t die.” Deadpool tapped his shoulder. “This is nothing. A mosquito bite. I’ve been literally been torn in half and here I am.” He wiggled his fingers. “I grew this hand just a couple of months ago.”

“What? Like a starfish?”

“Yeah, kind of. You’re smart, huh?”

“Yeah, kind of. Why haven’t I heard of you?”

“We travel in different circles. You pal around with the Avengers. I hang with the X-Men. You know how it is.”

“Mr. Stark warned me about you.”

“So, what’s up with that? He your guardian, or some similar relationship with inherent homoerotic undercurrents?”

“No!”

“Then why does he think he can tell you what to do?”

“It’s… complicated.”

“Ooh, I _looove_ complicated.” Deadpool cooed. “Tell me all about it. I have a doll if that would help.”

“What?” Peter shook his head. “Mr. Stark looks out for me, that’s all. I kind of work for him—with him, I mean. His opinion means a lot to me.” 

Deadpool sighed loudly. “So, it’s over before it started.” He covered his face with gloved hands and sobbed loudly. “Don’t mind me. It’s just my heart that’s breaking, that’s all.”

Peter burst into laughter.

Deadpool peeked between his fingers. “Are you laughing at my pain right now?”

“You’re joking around, right? No one is that dramatic.”

Deadpool’s demeanor changed on a dime. “That’s why I like you,” he said brightly. “You _get_ me.”

“I think you’re funny, Mr. Pool.”

“God, you’re adorable, but please, no need to be so formal.”

“What should I call you?”

Deadpool slid closer and leaned his shoulder against Peter’s. “ _Yours_.”

Peter laughed again. “Seriously though, I have call you something.”

“Deadpool is good, but feel free to make up a pet name for me, Shortcake.” Deadpool lifted his head. “Do you hear sirens?”

“Yeah, we should probably go out and tell the cops what happened.”

“You have fun with that.” Deadpool bounded up a stack of crates. At the top, he looked down and gestured to Peter. “Come on. The boys in blue can handle the cleanup. Aren’t you just dying to know all about me?”

Peter chuckled. “A little bit, yeah.” After a brief hesitation, he followed Deadpool to the roof.

Deadpool peeked over the retaining wall at the edge. “That’s a lotta cops,” he said. “Plan B.”

“What’s Plan B?”

“We go in the opposite direction, duh.” Deadpool cocked his head at Peter. “Goddam, you’re cute in that leotard.”

“It’s a, it’s a supersuit. Mr. Stark made it for me.”

“Of course, he did. Ready to go?”

“Where?”

“Just try to keep up.” Deadpool kissed Peter’s masked cheek before he ran to the other side of the roof, throwing in a handspring and a cartwheel just to show off. As he reached the edge, Peter landed on the wall in front of him. “Nice!” Deadpool said in genuine delight.

“Seriously, though,” Peter said. “Where are you taking me?”

“Depends on how far you want to go.”

Peter peeled his mask back. “It’s a school night,” he said.

“Well, that doesn’t ruin the mood at all,” Deadpool said. “Stop looking at me so I can think.”

“What?”

“Argh,” Deadpool shouted in frustration, throwing his hands in the air. “Why does the universe hate me? I don’t litter. I use my turn signal. I eat all my vegetables. Well maybe not all of them.”

Peter laughed.

“So, you think I’m funny?” Deadpool lifted Peter’s chin on his fingers and looked into his face for a long moment.

Peter’s nerves were humming with anticipation. He didn’t know what to expect from this guy, but he was oddly okay with whatever happened next. He closed his eyes on Deadpool’s inscrutable, masked gaze.

After another long moment of wavering, Deadpool shook his head. “I’m gonna hate myself later for this, but—” He released Peter, leaped over the wall, and was gone.

“Mr. Pool?” Peter opened his eyes. He looked around. “Hello?”

After a couple of minutes, Peter went down and talked to the police. It was an hour or so before he got home. It took several more minutes to explain to Aunt May why he was out so late. When he was finally alone in his room, he was able to think about his encounter with Deadpool.

Mr. Stark had called Deadpool an amoral assassin. Tonight, Peter had watched him casually kill eight men with the style and grace of an Olympic gymnast. True, the men would have killed him, but it was also true that Deadpool had left them no option. They were bad men, but something about the situation didn’t sit quite right with Peter.

On the other hand, Deadpool really was fun to be around. His supersuit was beyond cool and he had those two swords. _Are you kidding me? Two swords!_ Like he was a Hell’s Angel samurai or a badass elf. _So cool._

Peter stretched out on his bed and turned off the light, but he kept thinking about Deadpool, and the way Deadpool made him feel. Excited wasn’t quite the right word, though excitement was part of it. He also felt curious and nervous, almost queasy, but not sick, just kind of… excited. It was the same way he felt when he was little, and the rollercoaster car was ratcheting up to the top of the first drop.

One moment out of the night haunted Peter more than the others. Just before Deadpool had taken off, when he got so close Peter could feel his breath…. Peter remembered the flutter in his belly, and he remembered closing his eyes, thinking Deadpool meant to kiss him. But then he’d disappeared without so much as a goodbye.

And Peter didn’t know if he was glad or disappointed.


	4. Four

Deadpool jumped when Iron Man rocketed down to land ten feet in front of him. “Excellent superhero landing!” Deadpool applauded. “Welcome to my playground.”

Tony’s visor slid back, and he looked around the abandoned industrial park. “I don’t think OSHA would approve.”

“So, what brings you to my neighborhood?”

“I’m not in the mood to banter. In fact, you’re only standing there breathing in and out because you walked away tonight.”

“Let me guess. You’ve got Peter’s supersuit bugged.” Deadpool folded his arms over his chest. “Could you clear something up for me?”

“I’d be happy to.”

“Great. I’ve got this rash on my ass that won’t go away.”

“You’ve mistaken me for Doctor Strange.”

“Isn’t that your stripper name?”

“Okay, enough talking from you.”

“No, wait, I do have a serious question.”

Tony gritted his teeth. “Go ahead.”

“I’m just wondering exactly what makes you think you have the right to come between me and Peter? I mean, you’re not his dad, right? This isn’t a secret baby trope, is it? Or did you make him sign some kind contract stipulating that he can’t participate in gay activities? You know, like Disney does.”

“No,” Tony said, his teeth still clenched.

“So, what is it, then? You jealous, bruh?”

Tony took a deep breath. “I really don’t want to be a jerk about this, but I’m going to. Stay away from Peter Parker.”

“You’re not the boss of me.” Deadpool looked around. “Damn. I wish I had a door to slam.”

“I’m not joking.”

“Neither am I. Or maybe I am. I can’t tell anymore.”

“Has it escaped your notice that he’s just a kid, you lunatic?”

“Oh, no, don’t start appealing to reason now. I’m not a reasonable person, and you’re a lot more entertaining when you’re mad.”

“Are you going to make me get physical?”

“Come and get me, big boy.”

“I don’t have to. I can blast you from here.”

“Like the little bitch you are.”

“Well, this escalated quickly.” Tony closed his helmet.

“Hold it.” Deadpool held up a hand. “I didn’t want to say this but… you’re right.”

Tony raised the visor again. “About what?” he asked in suspicion.

“He is a kid. I mean, he’s pretty mature and all, but as far as, uh, dating goes, he seems a little behind the curve, which I’m guessing isn’t usual for him.”

“That’s exactly right. Peter isn’t ready for a player like you. He’s… he’s a sweet kid, you know?”

“Yes, I do!” Deadpool clapped his hands together. “That’s what I love about him!”

“What is wrong with you? Seriously.”

“I’m smitten. Isn’t it obvious? Does the word twitter-pated mean anything to you?”

Tony sighed. Intimidating Deadpool made him feel like he was picking on someone with a mental disability. _Dammit!_ “Look,” he said. “Just stay away from Peter, okay?” He sighed again. “And if you can’t stay away, keep in mind that his friends are very protective and some of us pack quite a punch.”

“So… let me get this straight. Making out is okay. Maybe some light petting. Hand job over the supersuit, if I’m lucky, but fisting is right out.”

“Why do you want me to hate you?”

“Ooh, that’s actually a good question. You surprise me.” Deadpool raised a finger. “See, the thing is, you’re going to hate me no matter what I do or say. How could you not? I’m everything you wish you could be if it wasn’t for those pesky societal obligations.”

“You think I envy you?”

Deadpool laughed. “You envy my ability to kill without qualms.”

“You’re wrong. I own my regrets. They make me human. I wasted quite a bit of my life because I didn’t know what was important to me. I can’t let Peter make the same mistake.”

“Sure, you can.” Deadpool shrugged. “Or you can be an arrogant, egotistical control freak who drives away everyone who tries to love him.”

Tony smiled. “That would probably hurt more if I hadn’t figured some things out recently. Look, this is all kinds of fun, but I’m gonna go now. Pepper’s waiting dinner for me. Do I have to repeat myself vis-à-vis the Peter issue?”

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

“Then don’t make me.”

“All this ruckus when you’ve got nothing to worry about.” Deadpool pulled off his mask. “Do you really think this face is going to get him hot?”

Tony took an involuntary step back. The man’s skin looked like melted wax that had re-solidified.

“No photos in my file, huh?” Deadpool put the mask back on. “The scarring is a side effect of whatever the shit was that activated my mutant gene. That’s what I heard anyway.”

“Well… for what it’s worth, I don’t think looks are everything.”

“Yeah? Too bad I do.”

Tony shook his head and admitted the futility of continuing this ill-advised visit. “I’m going now,” he said.

“Hey, wait!”

“What is it?”

“While you’re out, could you pick up a gallon of mind your own fucking business?”

Iron Man blasted off.

“Bye for now,” Deadpool said. He drew one of his guns and tracked the gleaming figure for a while before he put it back in its holster. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MJ was waiting at one of the picnic tables when Peter got to school the next day. She asked about his birthday party, and he couldn’t resist telling her about Deadpool.

MJ looked up from her sketch. “Are you being real right now?” she asked. “You met Deadpool. For real.”

Peter nodded. “He’s hilarious.”

“I know. I’m only his biggest fan.”

“Since when are you a fan of anything?”

“Have you seen that body?”

Peter shifted uncomfortably on the bench. “Yeah.”

“Then you know what I mean. He’s the ultimate in sexy. And that mouth. I’d give anything to whip out the snark like him. Effortless.”

“You do.”

“Thanks, Parker.” MJ smiled at him. 

Peter smiled back. For whatever reason, being with MJ made him feel like the world made some kind of sense, and that was becoming more and more important to him. Since the spider bite had transformed him, his life had been turned upside down, and after he met Tony Stark, the world had tilted on its axis. He now had access to cutting edge tech, and he had worked with the Avengers. Having a friend who kept him grounded was priceless. _Two friends._ Peter heard Ned’s voice in his head.

“You want to hear who else I’ve met?”

“Nah.” MJ closed her sketch book. “Unless you’ve met Wolverine.”

“Nope,” he admitted.

MJ chuckled. “Buck up, Parker. I don’t hang around with you because of who you know.”

“Why _do_ you hang around with me?”

“Can’t believe this is the first time you’ve asked. We’re seniors.” She tapped her pencil against her teeth a few times. “It’s not out of pity; you have to know that by now. You’re scary smart and kind of cute and I just like you. Believe it or not, you’re interesting.”

“Well, sure, I’m Spider-Man.”

“You were interesting to me before that. So, why do you hang out with me?”

“Are you kidding? You’re so cool! I tell you that all the time.”

“Huh. Okay, I can accept that.” MJ swung her legs from under the picnic table and then stood up. She gathered her sketching supplies and tucked them into her backpack.

“And I think you’re real pretty,” Peter said quickly. “And smart. And talented.”

“Wow, I’m a real catch.” MJ put her arms through the backpack straps. “Think you could introduce me to Deadpool sometime?”

“Um, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

Peter bit his lip as he searched for something to say that wouldn’t make him sound like an idiot. Abruptly, he understood Mr. Stark a little better. “Let’s talk about it later,” he said.

MJ shrugged, “Whatever.”

“Did I hear my name?” Deadpool dropped out of the tree that shaded the table.

“Oh… my… god,” MJ said.

“What? What are you doing here? Go away!” Peter said.

“Sheesh. I didn’t expect a hug but damn. That’s cold, Shortcake.” Deadpool jumped lightly from the table to the ground. He turned to MJ. “No offense, but I’d like to be alone with Peter for a minute. Okay?”

MJ managed to make her mouth work again. “Hey, no problem. Big fan, by the way.”

“Nice to see Peter’s friends have such good taste.” Deadpool held out a hand to MJ. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “It’s brand new so I know where it’s been.”

MJ giggled and then shook his hand. “It’s an honor.”

“Yeah, yeah, but I’d go ahead and wash my hands, if I were you. Just to be sure.”

“Same goes for you,” MJ said before she walked away.

“I like her,” Deadpool said. “Your girlfriend?”

“No. She’s my best friend. Her and Ned.” Peter paused. “But I wouldn’t mind if she was.”

“Sure, who wouldn’t? She’s got the quiet cool.”

“ _What_ are you doing here? This my school. I can’t be seen talking to you.”

“Ouch! Full disclosure: that hurt.”

“No, I meant because, because people will ask me all kinds of questions. No one can know I’m Spider-Man.”

“Nice save. Okay, I’ll go, but I need to know when I can see you again.”

A bell rang.

“I gotta go,” Peter said. “Text me.”

Deadpool watched him run toward the school building, a lean, lithe figure in worn jeans and a dorky plaid button-down flapping over a T-shirt with a nerdy saying on the front, sneakers, short brown hair, brown eyes, pleasant features. At first sight, there was nothing to differentiate him from the dozens of other teenagers streaming through the door… but he was different. Deadpool felt it in every ruined fiber of his being, and it drew him.


	5. Five

Deadpool was waiting when Peter got out of school. To be fair, he hid in an alley out of sight. When Peter walked by, Deadpool grabbed him and pulled him into the alley.

“I said to text me,” Peter said.

“What? You think this is a movie where I can magically get your phone number?”

“Did you try looking it up online?”

“Are you going to come have pizza with me?”

“Um, I guess I could do that. You mean right now?”

“Don’t tell me you aren’t hungry. You probably burn calories like some kind of machine specifically designed to incinerate calories.”

“I am kind of hungry. Let me call Aunt May.”

“Do what you gotta do.” Deadpool leaned against the wall until Peter finished his call.

“Do I need my supersuit?” Peter asked.

“Uh, no.”

“So, we’re really going to eat pizza?”

“Did you think it was code for something else? And if so, what?”

“I love how you do that game show host voice.”

“I was going for supercilious psychotherapist.”

“Oh. I guess I can see that. Where are we going for pizza?”

“Right this way.” Deadpool stepped out of the alley and hailed a cab. Ignoring the driver’s stare, he gestured to Peter. “Get in.”

A short ride later, they got out in front of a pizza place called Pie Squared.

“They make square pizza,” Deadpool said as he opened the door for Peter.

“I’m still not cool about being seen with you without, you know, my supersuit. It’s okay if Spider-Man is seen with Deadpool.”

“That’s why I brought you here. No one you know will come in here. Trust me.”

Peter looked at Deadpool over his shoulder. “Trust you?”

“Too soon?”

“Dude. Way too soon.” Peter slid into a booth, relieved they were the only customers.

Deadpool plopped down next to Peter. Peter laughed and shook his head and Deadpool moved to the other side of the table.

“Level with me.” Deadpool rested his chin on his hands. “It’s Stark, right? He told you what a ba-a-ad man I am, and now you’re scared of me.”

“No, I’m not!” Peter lowered his voice. “Maybe I should be, but I don’t think you want to hurt me. And if you tried, I’d kick your ass.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. At all. I just want to hug you and pet you and squeeze you and perhaps call you George.”

“Um, I don’t get it.”

“Right. I’m playing to a younger audience.” Deadpool paused and then said brightly, “But think of the merchandizing!”

“Still don’t get it.”

Deadpool sighed. “How do you feel about pineapple on pizza?”

“I don’t even like the question.”

Deadpool held up his fist for Peter to bump. “Mind if we have my usual? It’s big enough for both of us.”

Peter looked up from the placemat menu, oblivious to the double entendres. “I’m game.”

“I usually get a pitcher. Are you old enough to drink? Is it different from the age of consent?”

“It’s probably not a good idea to drink on a school night. Even if I was old enough.”

Deadpool went to the counter and then came back. “I hope you like garlic.”

“My aunt is Italian.”

“I thought so! She’s got that whole smoky, sultry thing goin’ on Bella Mafia style.”

“Could we not talk about her?”

Deadpool mimed zipping his lips.

“Can you eat with that mask on?” Peter asked.

“I’m glad you asked. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to see you. The other reasons, well, let’s save that for later, if there is a later.” Deadpool cleared his throat. “I’ll have to pull my mask up to eat, so it’s only fair to warn you. You’re not going to like what you see.”

“Why not?”

“Have you ever seen someone with a bad scar? Multiply that times infinity.”

“Come on. It can’t be that bad.”

“Okay. I warned you.” Deadpool undid the fastenings and pulled his mask up to reveal the lower half of his face.

“Whoa,” Peter said under his breath.

“I told you.”

“Did you ever see that movie _Nightmare on Elm Street_?”

“You can’t see it, but I’m rolling my eyes.”

“My bad. I guess comparing you to Freddie Kreuger isn’t very original, huh?”

“I forgive you because you’re just so darned cute.”

“You keep saying stuff like that.”

“Well, it’s not like I can hide my crush.”

Peter laughed. “ _You_ crushing on _me_? That’s hilarious.”

“Please don’t mock me. I’m totally serious.”

Peter stared at Deadpool, trying to decide if he was being trolled or not. In the silence, the man behind the counter rang a bell. Deadpool got up and fetched the pizza.

“This is good,” Peter mumbled after swallowing a bite of the loaded pizza. “Now, you level with me.”

“Sure, what do you want to know?”

“I don’t mind you teasing me. I’m kind of honored in a weird way, but why all the gay stuff?”

“I’m not teasing.”

“You have to be. There’s no way you like me like that. It’s, it’s beyond ridiculous.”

“Tell me how I can prove it to you. Test me. Ask me to do anything. I’ll even drink non-alcoholic beer for you.”

“This is insane.” Peter shook his head and took another bite of pizza.

“Well, _I’m_ insane, so….” Deadpool finished his slice and picked up another one. “You’re amazingly cool about the face, by the way.”

“Are you like that all over? Oh damn! That was rude.”

“No, it’s refreshingly honest, and yes, all my skin got burned. Chemical burns not fire, I think. I was told it was a side effect of the mutation, but since the guy who told me that is a lying liar from Liarstan—a dead one, by the way— I have no idea if that’s true.”

“What about your nerve endings?”

“I can still feel.” Deadpool dropped his pizza in his lap. “Sometimes I wish I couldn’t,” he said dramatically. “Stupid gravity!”

“I’m trying not to laugh.”

“Go ahead. I like your laugh. I like everything about you.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Cut it out.”

“I don’t think I can.” Deadpool sat back. “Look, Shortcake, I know that even though you’re eighteen, it’s still all kinds of sketchy for me to do anything more than flirt with you, but damn! I want to sex you so bad.”

“Um.” Peter coughed. “Well, that’s—”

“Unambiguous?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay with the whole gay thing, or did I read you wrong?”

“No. Uh, no, you didn’t, um, read me wrong.” Peter looked down at the pizza and then back up at Deadpool. “I’ve been curious about it for a long time. I just never… you know.”

Deadpool clapped his hands together in delight. “Are you telling me I might get to give you your first kiss?”

“First kiss from a guy,” Peter clarified. He winced at the lie, but seriously, that kiss with Mr. Stark didn’t count, right? It was like kissing your dad. No, of course it didn’t count. “But yeah.”

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Is my nose bleeding? Oh my god!”

“You’re hilarious. I’m not being sarcastic either.”

“So, you like me.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“And you’ll go out with me again?”

“We can get together, sure.”

Deadpool grinned. “So, even though it’s _wrong,_ you still want to date me?”

Peter almost choked on his bite of pizza.

Deadpool cocked his head to the side. “Because I’m totally cool with just shacking up. Friends with benefits?”

Peter drank half his glass of water while holding up one hand.

“You want me to stop?” Deadpool guessed. “Stop what? Eating? No? Breathing?”

“Stop talking,” Peter gasped. “Jeez. Mr. Stark was right. It’s like trying to drive a Formula One car. Without brakes.”

“What?”

“Never mind. Look, if you want to hang out again sometime, that’s cool with me.”

“Can I call it a date?”

“Are you paying for the pizza?” Peter retorted, as if he was talking to MJ or Ned. He enjoyed Deadpool’s slack-jawed surprise for a couple of seconds before he grinned.

“Oh, ho, ho, you got me. Not too proud to admit it. And it only makes me love you more.”

Peter rolled his eyes again. “You don’t love me. You don’t even know me.”

“Yet.”

“Yet,” Peter agreed.

“And yes, I’m paying for the pizza. I invited you.” Deadpool wagged a finger at Peter. “But don’t get used to it. I’m nobody’s sugar daddy.”

“Sugar daddy?”

“All right, I admit it; I would def be your sugar daddy, if I had a crap-ton of money. But do you really need two?”

“What?”

Deadpool sighed. “I’m talking about Tony the Tiger.”

“You mean Mr. Stark?” Peter lit up. “He’s awesome, and he’s been amazing to me. I still can’t believe how insanely lucky I am. Can you believe a guy like that takes the time to bother with me?” He paused. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I just threw up in my mouth a little. It’s fine. I swallowed.”

Peter wiped his mouth and hands with his napkin. “I should probably go,” he said.

“Aw, do you have to?”

“I have tons of homework.”

“And now you’ve reminded me you’re still in high school. Okay go, but I’ll make sure you get home safe.”

“I’ll be fine, and I still don’t want people to see you.”

“Oh, don’t worry. No one will see me. You go ahead. I’ll take care of the bill.”

“Bye.” Peter picked up his backpack. “See you around. Oh, and thanks for the pizza.”

“What a wuss I am,” Deadpool said to himself after Peter was gone. “I’m really getting soft. Dating? Did I really ask if I could _date_ him?” He waved to the pizza man on his way out. “At least I can tell Stark I tried to scare the kid off, if he asks.” He thought for a second. “Nah. Fuck Stark.”


	6. Six

A week or so later…

Peter was enjoying a view normally reserved for pigeons. There was no access to the spire at the top of the skyscraper and not a lot of room for even one person. Peter was currently sharing a metal crossbeam with Deadpool at the base of the pinnacle. Both were eating falafel. Peter’s feet dangled happily, his thigh was pressed against Deadpool’s thigh, Deadpool’s arm was around his back, and Deadpool’s hand rested on his left hip. He smiled when the wind lifted the hair off his forehead. Life was good.

“That was great,” he said after he swallowed the last bite. “But breaktime is over.” He pulled his mask back on.

“Oh, come on. Is this not the most romantic setting ever?”

“It’s pretty cool, Mr. Pool.” Peter chuckled.

“Don’t I deserve a kiss, Shortcake? For finding this spot and bringing the falafel?”

“Do you seriously think kisses are a form of barter?”

“What!” Deadpool exclaimed as though he’d been accused of drowning kittens. “No, of course not. What kind of shit-for-brains chauvinist would think something like that? You ready to go?”

“Yep. Don’t forget. No killing.”

“Ah ah ah.” Deadpool held up a finger. “No _unnecessary_ killing.”

“No. No no no. No. That’s not what we agreed on. _Hey!_ ” Peter shouted as Deadpool leaped down the open framework. He watched Deadpool swing out from the bottom beam and disappear. “Oh man,” he said under his breath. “Was Mr. Stark ever right about him.”

His smile returned as he followed Deadpool. The man was vulgar, impetuous, and apparently shameless, but he was also genuinely fearless and fearlessly honest. He treated Peter like an equal, and he was never, ever boring. Peter knew he was probably a bad influence, but he couldn’t stay away from him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Deadpool dusted his hands and indicated the pile of bad guys. “My work here is done,” he announced.

“At least they’re all alive,” Peter said. “The police should be here any second. You wanna—”

“Make out like sailors on shore leave?”

“Not right now.” After spending some time in Deadpool’s company, Peter was almost inured to the constant come-ons and had started responding in kind. “I was asking if you wanted to leave before the cops show up.”

“Don’t I always?”

“Yeah, but you’re… mercurial.”

“Oooh, big word!”

“I looked it up just for you.” Peter shot a web to one of the ceiling beams. “Ready?”

“I love this part.” Deadpool put his arm around Peter’s shoulders.

Peter wrapped his arm around Deadpool’s waist, and they shot up to the rafters. “You’re really fit,” he said, after they landed.

“I work out and I drink a lot of protein shakes, if you know what I mean.”

Peter was studying the skylight window.

“ _Protein_ shakes?” Deadpool said in an insinuating tone.

Peter continued to peer upward.

“Cum! I’m talking about jizz, as in, I swallow.”

Peter shot a web that wrapped around the handle of the skylight. He pulled and the window swung down. He looked at Deadpool. “Gross.”

“It’s not gross, not if you love someone.”

Peter used the strand of webbing to escape to the roof.

“Hey,” Deadpool called up. “A little help?”

Peter stuck his head down through the open window. A stream of webbing shot down and enveloped Deadpool’s left arm. In seconds, Peter had pulled him up and out.

“You’re so strong!” Deadpool gushed as he threw his arms around Peter. “My hero!”

Peter laughed as he pushed him away. It had been a good day. He had pizza for lunch with MJ and Deadpool—she was probably still high on the experience—and then he and Deadpool had parkoured around just for fun, had a snack of falafel, and then stopped some guys who were robbing an electronics warehouse. He got to watch Deadpool show off while beating up like a dozen thugs, and no one had died. He knew Mr. Stark wouldn’t approve of these “missions” but it was just so much fun hanging with Deadpool.

“Whattaya wanna do now, Spike?” Deadpool said in the comical, high-pitched voice of a long-ago cartoon dog.

“Spike?” Peter smiled, though he didn’t get the joke. “I like that a lot better than Shortcake.”

“Well, that’s too bad, because you’re really more of a Shortcake.”

“I could be a Spike.”

Deadpool shook his head. “Nope.”

“You could be a Spike.”

Deadpool started to make a flippant remark, but he heard sirens. “Here come the guys with badges, and you know what we say to that.”

Peter grinned. “We don’t need no stinkin’ badges.”

“You make me so proud.” Deadpool clasped his hands under his chin. “You’ve come so far.”

Peter made a scoffing noise, but he felt an undeniable flush of pleasant warmth whenever Deadpool praised him, and he found himself wanting to please him. So what? What _ever_. He had this under control now. The trick was to keep a light foot on the gas pedal and be ready to brake or shift at any moment. Yeah. He had this. No sweat. Honestly, Deadpool might be lethal, but he was basically a big derp, like Mr. Thor.

“Let’s go,” Peter said in the nonchalant tone he’d started using recently. He held out his hand.

Deadpool took Peter’s hand and jumped with him off the roof. A glistening filament shot from Peter’s free hand to the opposite building, and they were off, swinging above the cars and bright lights and oblivious crowds, until they reached the alley where they’d begun tonight’s mission.

When they emerged from the alley, they were in street clothes. Peter wore his blue quiz team T-shirt and jeans, battered sneakers, and his backpack. Deadpool was likewise in jeans and a T-shirt, with a backpack, but he also wore a sweatshirt with the hood pulled up and a disposable face mask. No one looked twice at them. At the end of the block, they entered the Rajasthan Restaurant and sat in a booth.

Peter ordered ducky curry to go and a coconut lassi to drink while he waited. Deadpool asked for whatever beer they were serving.

“Aunt May can’t be mad if she has ducky curry,” Peter said.

“Why worry? It’s not like she can ground you.”

“Sure, she can.”

“If you wanted to go out, there’s nothing she could do to stop you.”

“She trusts me.” Peter felt a little guilty about all the times he’d sneaked out, but it was true that May trusted him.

“I want to be disgusted by this whole Boy Scout routine, but I just can’t. I don’t know what you’ve done to me, Mr. Parker, but it ain’t wearin’ off.”

The waiter gave Deadpool a shocked look as he set down the lassi and a Kingfisher beer. Deadpool pulled down his mask to blow him a kiss and he hurried away.

“God, you’re weird,” Peter said.

“Duh.” Deadpool took a drink of his beer and sat back. “So… how long do you think you’re going to string me along?”

Peter looked up. “What?”

“Well, I’m just saying, we’ve been dating for days. I should at least be at second base by now.”

Peter laughed and sprayed the table with coconut lassi. “Don’t say crap like that when I’m eating or drinking something, okay? You’re gonna kill me someday.”

“At least you’ll die with a smile on your face.”

“You always look on the bright side, Spike.”

Deadpool smiled. “What can I say, Shortcake? I guess I’m just a happy-go-lucky, pie-in-the-sky, Pollyanna-porking optimist.”

Peter bugged his eyes. “Wait. There’s pie?”

Deadpool laughed and sprayed beer across the table. “Proud of yourself?” he asked.

“Yeah, kind of.”

Peter’s takeout order arrived. He paid at the register and they left the restaurant.

“I guess you’re headed home,” Deadpool said when they reached the end of the next block.

“Yep. I have some homework, no big deal, and May wants me to try on clothes she bought online.” Peter rolled his eyes.

“Ew. If that’s the case, I’ll just go home all by myself and cry alone in the dark. I’ll probably lay awake all night thinking about you getting undressed, and then dressed again, and then undressed, and then—”

Peter put his hand over Deadpool’s mouth. “Enough, okay? I get it.”

Deadpool wrapped his fingers around Peter’s wrist and pulled his hand away. “No, I don’t believe you do. You still think I’m kidding.” He took a quick look around and then drew Peter into an alley. He leaned in until his lips were a breath away from Peter’s. Time slowed down, and the world grew still. The only sound was a bag of duck curry hitting the ground.


	7. Seven

After several moments passed with nothing happening, Peter opened one eye. “What’s going on?”

“Sorry, Shortcake,” Deadpool said. “You’ll have to wait for that kiss.”

“What? Why? I don’t understand.”

“I want to kiss you, but—” Deadpool looked around at the squalid alley. “I can’t believe I’m saying this. I mean, I’ve had sex on a Thanksgiving dinner, but… I want it to be special.”

“Oh. Okay. What’s wrong with that?”

“You don’t think it’s kind of… gay?”

Peter rolled his eyes and then laughed as he bent to pick up the takeout bag. “I really gotta go.”

“Come out with me tomorrow night.”

“I’ll let you know, okay? Just because I gave up Band doesn’t mean I have a ton of free time.”

“Wrong answer. I’m sure you meant to say that it breaks your heart that you might not be able to be with me.”

“I’m not that good a liar.”

Deadpool clutched invisible pearls. “How can you be so cruel?”

“Yeah, I felt bad about it before I finished talking.”

Deadpool laughed. “You’re precious. Not in the Gollum kind of way. In the baby lamb kind of way.”

“Baby lamb?”

“Or bunny. That would work.”

Peter sighed. “A lamb is a baby sheep. Basically, you called me a baby _baby_.”

“Yes, I did, and I would call you that all day and half the night, if you let me.”

Peter rolled his eyes again. He did that a lot around Deadpool. “I’ll probably see you tomorrow.” He walked away but called back over his shoulder. “You owe me a kiss.”

“You’re killin’ me, kid,” Deadpool said under his breath.

Tony finished fastening his cufflinks and turned to look across the bedroom at Pepper. “Ready!” he called out as though he’d won a race.

“Almost there,” Pepper said. “Could you give me a hand for a minute?”

Tony came up behind Pepper and zipped her dress before he slid his arms around her waist.

Pepper left off checking her image in the mirror and let her head drop back to rest on his shoulder. “Happy?” she asked.

“Assuming you’re referencing my mood and not my manservant, the answer is an unequivocal affirmative.”

“Then why is there a wrinkle between your eyebrows?”

Tony looked at his reflection. “Ye gods! I look like my old man.” He looked into the eyes of Pepper’s reflection and smiled. “Better?”

“At least you _look_ happy now.” Pepper turned in the circle of his arms. “You’re still worried about Peter, aren’t you?”

“You know me so well.”

“That’s how I know you’ll be a terrific father. You should stop worrying about that, by the way.”

“You don’t think I’m letting Peter down?”

She leaned back to look him in the eyes. “How?”

“Maybe I could be there for him… more.”

“Probably, but not in the way you’re thinking. He needs a father figure not Captain Cockblock.”

Tony stared at her.

“He’s an eighteen-year-old boy,” Pepper said. “Remember being eighteen?”

“Vividly. That’s why I’m worried.”

Pepper took hold of the lapels of Tony’s suit. “Listen to me. Peter. Isn’t. You.”

“That’s it?”

“That says it all, but we can keep talking about it, if you want.” Pepper stepped back and then sat on her vanity bench to put on shoes. “I assume you had The Talk with him.”

“Yes, of course, I did.”

“After he stopped laughing, what did he say?”

“The gist is that he respects me but it’s his decision.”

“Bingo.” Pepper stood and booped Tony’s nose. “Try trusting him a little more.”

“I’d love to, but we have a history, as you know. He’s prone to cowboying off on his own when he thinks he’s right.”

“Hm, now who does that remind me of…? Oh, I know. All of your friends. And you,” she said as she put on a pair of earrings.

“And you.” Tony put his hands on her shoulders.

Pepper twisted from the waist to look up at him. “Are we good? You’ll trust Peter, and we’ll have a lovely, adult dinner while we still can?”

“When you say _adult_ ….”

“Shush. Do we have an understanding?”

“See, the thing is—”

Pepper took a deep breath. “Go ahead. What’s bothering you?”

“It’s not Peter that I don’t trust.”

“I agree that this Deadpool character is a worry, but why are you so sure he wants to hurt Peter?”

Tony stroked his beard. “Well… it’s not so much that I think Deadpool _wants_ to hurt him; I just feel like it’s inevitable.”

“I could say the same about you. What’s the difference?”

“You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?”

“If it clears the air enough to allow me to enjoy dinner, then yes, you’re going to have to put your insane fears into words.”

“Why insane?”

“Tony, we have a reservation for eight-thirty. It’s eight-twenty-eight, and I’m wearing four-inch heels. Speak now, or I’m going without you.” She took his hand. “Repeat after me. I don’t want Peter to sleep with Deadpool. Come on. Saying it out loud won’t make it come true.”

“You’re right. I can’t stand the thought of that pervert touching my—”

“Wait. Pervert?” Pepper gave Tony a hard look. “When did you get so uncool? And what makes him a pervert?”

“You don’t know him.”

“I read the same file you did, and I did some research on my own. Frankly, I pity the man.” Pepper paused. “Though he is… disturbing. Same question. What makes him a pervert, in your eyes? Is it because he’s so overtly sexual?”

“No, of course not. You know better than that.”

“I thought I did, but you’re acting in a very non-Tony manner.”

“He’s just too old!” Tony lowered his voice. “He’s too old for the kid.”

“I’ll give you that one, barely. If Peter was twenty-one, I might feel differently, but I doubt you would, for some reason. Meanwhile, he’s right. Ultimately, it’s his decision.”

“You know, you were right when you said he isn’t me. By the time I was eighteen—” Tony shook his head. “Let’s just say I had a lot more experience than Mr. Parker. A _lot_.”

“Peter does have a refreshingly wholesome personality, but I doubt he’s as inexperienced as you seem to think. And don’t mistake naiveté for gullibility. Peter’s sharp. You won’t fool him twice.”

“Yeah, but it only takes one time.”

Pepper chuckled. “You realize he can’t get pregnant, right?”

“That’s only one possible consequence of first-time sex. We’ve also got broken heart and stitches on that list.”

“Stitches? Where is your head? Yeesh, if you get this freaked out about a boy dating, we’d better not have a girl.”

“Ha ha.”

“I’m glad you can laugh at yourself. Are you ready to go now?”

“Yes, dear. And I promise you a mature evening out.”

“I should be so lucky.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peter had been asleep for almost two hours when his phone woke him. He looked at the number and then answered. “Mr. Stark?”

“Hi, just checking up. Haven’t heard from you in a couple of days.”

“Oh, yeah, well, you know, I’ve been pretty busy with school and whatnot.”

“Did I wake you?”

“It’s okay.”

“Good. Now, let’s talk about the whatnot.”

“I’m behaving myself. Staying close to the ground, you know, like we discussed. Just local crime-fighting, purse-snatchers, hold-ups.”

“Uh-huh. That’s good. How’s your aunt?”

“She’s fine.”

“School is good?”

“Really good. I’m acing all my courses.”

“Good. Good. Anything exciting happen lately?”

“Uh, no, why would it?”

“You have a knack,” Tony said. He glanced toward the bedroom where Pepper was sleeping. “So, nothing interesting to report?”

Peter cleared his throat. “If you want to know if I’ve seen Mr. Pool, I have.”

“And?”

“We hang out. No big deal.”

“Oh my god, that’s exactly what I said to my dad when he asked about my drug dealer.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing. That was the TV. Criminal Minds is on.”

“Are you okay, Mr. Stark?”

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

“See that it stays that way.”

Peter didn’t ask what Tony was referring to. “Jeez, we haven’t even kissed yet.”

“I should let you go. Sleep well. Do your best in school tomorrow.” Tony broke the connection and then banged his forehead against the desk several times. He’d never felt like a bigger fool… until he swiveled the chair and saw Pepper in the doorway.

Instead of scolding him, she came over and stroked his hair. She could see he was grappling with all the big changes in his life. He was still a billionaire, a genius, and a philanthropist, but playboy time was over. She could also see him flailing a little and clutching at his relationship with the kid like a lifeline. If stress over impending fatherhood made him overreact a little, she could deal with it. And she had a feeling Peter could too, though she felt a little sorry for him. Tony could be… overbearing sometimes.

“It’ll be all right,” she said softly. “Come to bed now, daddy.”

Tony let her lead him to the bedroom, but he didn’t fall asleep for a while. While he was glad there hadn’t been any kissing, he didn’t like the sound of that “yet.”


	8. Eight

“What is the former name of Myanmar?” MJ asked.

“Burma,” Peter said without thinking. “Easy one.”

“Correct.” MJ looked down at the next question. “Which civilization preceded the Ur III Period?”

“The Akkadians.”

“Goddam, you’re smart. You haven’t missed a single one yet.”

Peter shrugged. “This is mostly memorized trivia.”

“What do the letters HTHP stand for as they relate to diamonds?”

“High temperature high pressure. Thanks for helping me practice. You must be bored.”

MJ shook her head making her cloud of hair bounce. “Nope.” She looked up. “You gonna hang out in that tree all day?”

Deadpool dropped onto the picnic table. “Shhh.” He put a finger to his lips. “Peter can’t be seen with me.” He dropped to the bench and rolled under the table.

MJ laughed. “How’s the view down there?”

“I’m not complaining. So, you guys want to go for pizza?”

“Are you buying?” MJ asked.

“Yeah, I’m loaded—and I have plenty of money. The older gentleman I escorted last night was very generous.”

MJ cracked up. “Man, I really wish I could, but it’s my mom’s birthday.”

“Peter?”

“Sure, I’ll call Aunt May.”

“Meet me on our corner at seven.” Deadpool squeezed Peter’s thigh before he crawled out from under the table. He ninjaed his way to the shrubs and then disappeared around the corner of a building.

“He sure likes you,” MJ said when Peter put down his phone.

Peter chuckled nervously. “He’s just kidding around.”

MJ shook her head. “It’s a little squicky that he’s so, you know, adult, but on the other hand, he isn’t. Like, he’s too cool to really be old, you know?”

“Yeah.”

“I say, go for it.”

“What?”

“I think you know what I mean.” MJ smiled, shot him a peace sign, and headed to her next class. “Have fun tonight,” she said over her shoulder.

“Wait. You’re cool with this?”

MJ turned to look at him. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s super-cool. Believe me. You’re dating Deadpool.”

“Oh my god. I am?”

MJ smiled again. “Try not to get so nervous that you act like a super dork. Oh wait, that’s what he likes about you.” She laughed. “I’m kidding. Just have a good time and tell me all about it tomorrow.”

“Oh man,” Peter said under his breath as the bell rang to end the lunch period. “I’m really dating Deadpool.”

Peter was on the corner seven minutes early. Deadpool was nine minutes early, but he sat on the roof of the deli for two more minutes watching Peter. “Cradle robber,” he whispered. “That’s what they’ll call you. Cool. It has a nice ring to it.”

Peter didn’t jump when Deadpool appeared next to him. “Hey. Oh, you’re wearing your supersuit. I can go home and—”

“Nope. You’re perfect just as you are.”

“Well, you said we were just going to get pizza so….” Peter looked down at his worn corduroy trousers and half-tucked in T-shirt.

“I said it’s perfect, punk,” Deadpool in a wheezy, old-man voice. “Now get off my damn lawn.”

Peter laughed. “You’re just too cool.”

“No doubt, so, I suggest we get out of sight before I’m mobbed by adoring fans.”

“Right, so Pie Squared?”

“Nope. Well, yep, but with a twist.”

Fifteen minutes later, Peter and Deadpool were seated at a tiny table behind the restaurant. A basket of breadsticks and a candle in a wine jug sat in the middle of the table, taking up most of horizontal space.

“This is an unbelievably clean alley,” Peter said.

“You bet it is. I’ve been working on this scenario all day.”

Peter looked around. “This reminds me of something.”

“Good, but does it make you horny, baby?”

“You do the best Austin Powers!” Peter looked over as the back door of the restaurant opened.

A stumpy man in an apron pushed aside the candle and breadsticks and plopped a ginormous plate of spaghetti and meatballs down in the middle of the table. He set down a bottle of wine and two glasses before he lit the candle.

“Thanks,” Deadpool said. “I’ll let you know if we need anything else.”

The man went back into the kitchen without a word.

Deadpool shrugged. “He’s just mad ‘cause I made him make spaghetti.”

“Why this instead of pizza?”

“Really? You still don’t get it?”

Peter shook his head.

“This is the most romantic thing I could think of and still nothing? Not even a flicker? And what should I do about an erection that lasts several days? Asking for a friend.”

Peter bit off the end a breadstick, oblivious to the symbolism. “Give me time. I’m sure I’ve seen this before. I’ll get it.”

“And then do I get you?”

Peter threw half his breadstick at Deadpool, still oblivious. “No.”

“I wasn’t joking about my perma-stiffie.”

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you or something?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of some therapeutic dry-humping, or whatever you kids are calling it these days.”

Peter frowned.

“Okay, okay, okay, I sense I went too far.”

“No, but sometimes your choice of words is—”

“Weird? Creative? Inappropriate?”

“The last one.”

“So much for small talk.” Deadpool poured red wine into the glasses. “It’s a cheeky little chianti that some say goes well with fava beans and liver.”

Peter’s smile came back. He understood the reference to _Silence of the Lambs_. He took one of the glasses. “Thank you for the nice dinner,” he said.

“Dammit, Shortcake. Why are you so fucking endearing? And why do I find you so endearing when normally you’d be exactly the type of do-gooding dork that I’d shred mercilessly for daring to exist and breathe the same air as me.”

Peter nearly choked on a mouthful of wine. “Really?” he squeaked.

“Of course not. I love dorks, nerds, dweebs, and all other lame-ohs.” Deadpool twirled some spaghetti onto his fork. “Eat,” he said.

“Okay. I’ll try not to be endearing.”

“Would you? That’d be great.”

Peter chuckled as he tucked into the spaghetti. “MJ thinks it’s cool that we’re dating.”

“That girl is a queen, I tell you. And smart.” Deadpool tapped his forehead. “She’s so smart, she must be from Transylbrainia.”

Peter sputtered laughter. “Oh great, now I got tomato sauce on my shirt. Don’t make me laugh when my mouth is full.”

“I’ll remember that.”

Peter laughed again. “A-hole,” he said, and then he brightened. “Oh, hey, I got it. That Disney dog cartoon.”

“Disney dog cartoon? You are speaking of _Lady and the Tramp_ , one of the most romantic films of all time.”

“If you say so. You gonna eat that last meatball?”

Instead of answering, Deadpool pushed the meatball toward Peter with his nose.

“What the heck!” Peter stared at him and then laughed. “Oh, right. I forgot about that part. I saw that movie when I was like six, I think.” He picked up the huge meatball and put the whole thing in his mouth.

“God, I want you so bad right now.”

Peter tried to talk around the meatball. “You got, like—” He made face-wiping gestures.

“Goddammit.” Deadpool pulled his mask off. “That’s better. Are you okay with this?” He pointed at his face.

“Absolutely.”

Deadpool leaned across the table. “You remember what comes next?” He arched non-existent eyebrows.

“You’re right. This is pretty romantic.” Peter met Deadpool’s eyes. “Make your play,” he said in what he hoped was a cool, sexy tone.

“Adorable.” Deadpool took Peter’s face between his hands.

Both turned toward the door at the unmistakable sound of a gunshot from inside.

“It’s a backfire,” Deadpool said desperately.

Peter just stared at him. Two more shots were fired.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Deadpool let go of Peter and walked to the door. “I’ll be right back, but I have to tell you, the mood is ruined.” He opened the door and went into the kitchen.


	9. Nine

“I knew I should have brought my backpack,” Peter said under his breath as he waited for Deadpool. After two more seconds, he got up and walked to the back door. He opened it a crack and heard the sounds of breaking furniture and then a few gunshots. So what if he wasn’t wearing the suit; the spider bite had made him super strong and agile and… sticky.

Peter was about to open the door when it slammed him in the face. He staggered back as a man shoved the door all the way open and leaped into the alley. His head bounced off the brick wall, and he was dazed for just long enough for the gunman to grab him.

“Ah fuck no,” Deadpool said as he saw the gunman with his arm around Peter’s neck and a gun to Peter’s head. “I really was _not_ in the mood to kill anyone tonight.”

“Shut up,” the man said. “This could have been a simple robbery, but you had to get involved.”

“I love the way your gang stood behind you,” Deadpool said. “No wait, they ran like cheap pantyhose.”

“You stay where you are or I’m going to blow this kid’s brains all over that wall.”

“Sorry, my bad,” Peter said.

“Don’t be,” Deadpool answered. “This is just a bump in the road to true love.”

“What?” the gunman said.

“Yeah, that’s right, you ass-munch.” Deadpool said. “I was having a nice romantic dinner, thinkin’ I might just have got it right for once, but no. You just had to pull your little robbery in the middle of my play. Now, you’re putting your nasty criminal hands all over my boo. How you doing, Shortcake?”

“Having a little trouble breathing but nothing serious.”

“Hey, Thug Life, ease up.”

“Shut up,” the gunman said. “I’m leaving now. When I’m a good distance away, I’ll let the kid go.”

“Do you really think I’ll let you leave here with him?”

“I don’t see that you have a choice.”

“Peter,” Deadpool said. “Did you see Robocop?”

“Yeah.”

“You remember the hostage situation?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Then you know what to do.”

Peter widened his stance and ducked as Deadpool fired his gun. The gunman fired, but his bullet passed harmlessly over Peter’s head to dig a gouge in the brick wall. Deadpool’s bullet went between Peter’s legs to take the gunman in the thigh. Peter broke free of his captor’s hold and turned to take his gun, but the man was on the ground clutching his wound, no longer concerned about the gun beside him.

“Better call an ambulance,” Deadpool suggested. “Pretty sure I caught the femoral artery. Oops.” He turned and pulled Peter into his arms in a fierce hug.

Peter didn’t complain. There was something so very comforting about being held in strong arms for a little while.

“Did he hurt you?” Deadpool asked.

“Just my pride.” Peter laughed nervously.

“Let’s get out of here. I need to go cry in the shower.”

Peter and Deadpool walked through the restaurant where the waiter was on the phone with the police. Deadpool waved as he walked by. Peter nodded apologetically as he followed.

“I am so pissed,” Deadpool shouted when they reached the sidewalk. “I planned this perfect date and Mr. Asshat just had to rob a restaurant. A _restaurant_. Does he think this is Pulp Fiction?”

“Um, I don’t know. I should probably go home now.”

“Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah. Of course. I’m a superhero.”

“If that twatwaffle had hurt you, I’m not sure what I would have done. No, wait. I do know. I’d have julienned him.”

“What?”

“It’s when you cut something into small strips. You know, like carrots and such for a chef’s salad. It’s a little bigger than a shred.”

“Oh. Ew. Thank you, by the way. That was pretty cool.”

“Was there even one moment when you were scared?” Deadpool said in wonder.

“Not really. I knew you wouldn’t let anything happen to me. And besides, I could have gotten away from him any time I wanted.”

“You _let_ me rescue you? Now that’s romantic! I’m touched, Shortcake.” Deadpool cocked his head. “It’s not exactly where I want you touch me, but it’ll do for now.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I was ready for that kiss.” Peter looked surprised at the words that had come out of his mouth.

“Actually, that makes me feel so much worse, but you meant well.” Deadpool sighed loudly. “I’m beginning to think the universe doesn’t want me to have some of that sweet Spider-love.”

Peter cracked up. “Sorry, Spike.”

“If we weren’t in the middle of the street—”

“Sidewalk.”

“If we weren’t in _public_ —”

“Yeah?”

Deadpool looked at Peter for a long moment. “Never mind. Tell you later. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll just show you.”

“Cool. I really should go now.”

“Fine. I have plenty of porn and lanolin at home. See you tomorrow.”

“Good night,” Peter said before he walked away.

“Dammit,” Deadpool said, as he went in the opposite direction. “I mean, what the F? Is effin’ Mercury in effin’ retrograde or what?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Peter?” May called out when she heard the front door close. “Come on in the living room. Tony’s here.

“Oh jeez,” Peter said under his breath as he dutifully headed for the living room.

“Peter! How’s it going?” Tony said.

“Fine, Mr. Stark, like I told you on the phone.”

“I just had to stop by for another piece of that amazing date bread.” Tony winked at May. “And not coincidentally, I wanted to let you both know about the wedding.”

“Wedding!” Peter and May said at the same time.

“Yeah, I popped the question. She said no, but I kept after her. I know it’s kind of a silly, outdated convention that perpetuates women as chattel, but I just really want that big wedding, you know? With all my friends there to celebrate with me.”

“Just tell us when,” May said. “We’ll be there with bells on.”

“Just bells?” Tony winked again.

May smacked his hand. “You probably want to talk to Peter for a minute, so I’ll go make some sandwiches or something,” she said archly.

Tony chuckled. “If I wasn’t already engaged….”

“Mr. Stark!” Peter exclaimed, as May left the room. He wasn’t mollified by her pat on his cheek. “You’re always saying stuff like that.”

“I’m a flirt. You hadn’t noticed?” Tony smiled patted the couch next to him. “Have a seat.”

Peter said, “So when are you and Miss Potts getting married.”

“As soon as superhumanly possible if she wants to fit into that Lhuillier dress.” Tony’s smile broadened. “Thank you.”

Peter’s bewilderment was plain on his guileless features.

Tony put a hand on Peter’s shoulder and squeezed. “I wanted you to know, it was you who made me realize that I want to be a husband and a father.”

“I did that? That’s a good thing, right?”

Tony squeezed Peter’s shoulder again. “It’s outstanding. I’m proud of you.”

Peter swallowed and blinked a few times. “I’m proud of you too,” he said.

Tony smiled again. He was smiling a lot these days. “I just wanted you to know—” He broke off and took a deep breath. “Sorry. Just a little choked up here. Okay?”

“Yeah, that’s… that’s really okay, Mr. Stark.” Peter sounded confused. “I mean… I don’t know what I mean. I—”

In keeping with the protocol of the new, more user-friendly Tony, he said, “You need a hug?”

Peter was a little surprised. Mr. Stark wasn’t a touchy-feely kind of guy, though Peter sometimes wished he was. “Yeah. That’d be nice.”

Tony had been getting in a little practice recently—with Bruce currently in the lab, hugs were a daily occurrence—and he aced the first part of the maneuver. He slipped his arms around Peter and pulled him to his chest like a boss. He was also pretty good at judging how tight the hug should be relative to the huggee. It was the head thing he still had trouble with. Go left or go right? Knocking noggins was _not_ fun, though Bruce seemed to think it was a riot to bash him in the forehead. He liked the way Peter nestled against him with one arm around his neck; it just felt right and good with that sweet weight resting on his heart. Someday, he’d hold a child he made with Pepper just like this. 

“Boys,” May said from the doorway. “If you’re planning a sleepover, let me know now.”

“Nope.” Tony disentangled himself and stood up. “We were just… having a moment.” He slipped his sunglasses on. “I gotta go now, and it’s probably past junior’s bedtime.”

“Good night, Mr. Stark,” Peter said.

May went to the door with Tony while Peter went to his room.

“Good night, May,” Tony said. “I forgot to tell him about the brunch.”

“I’ll tell him. It’s really nice of you and Miss Potts to give him a little added culture.”

Tony made a self-deprecating gesture and walked away. He felt a little twinge of guilt at planting a bug on Peter, but the kid didn’t wear the supersuit all the time. Ignoring the annoying voice that kept telling him this was a major invasion of privacy, Tony drove home.

Peter was floating on Tony’s praise and he felt all warm inside from the hug. It wasn’t until he was getting ready for bed that he realized Mr. Stark hadn’t mentioned Deadpool even once. Maybe he was finally coming to terms with the fact that Peter wasn’t fifteen anymore.


	10. Ten

Deadpool walked into “his” bar, the place where everybody knew his name and didn’t scream when they saw his face. He went to the bar where Weasel was already opening a beer for him.

“Jesus, Wade,” Weasel said when he set the bottle in front of Deadpool. “What happened to you?”

“What are you babbling about?” Deadpool took a drink.

“You look kind of… not mad as hell.”

“Oh, that. Yeah, well, I’m chasing this sublime tail and—” Deadpool stopped speaking. “Delete that. I have a new friend.”

“Uh-huh.” Weasel took off his glasses and polished them.

Deadpool pouted. “It’s true. Someone likes me.”

“One of those XXX-Men you keep talking about?”

“No, I’m over that guy. Really built but no fun at all.”

“This new one is fun?”

“He’s not the ‘new one,’ okay?”

Weasel held up his hands. “Okay by me.” He cleared his throat. “So, it’s a he?”

“ _He’s_ a he. Dammit, Weasel, I’m not dating a duck.”

“In my defense, we _are_ talking about you.”

“Fair point.” Deadpool drank more beer. “He’s different.”

“Uh-oh.”

“Indeed.”

“So, who is it?”

“You don’t know him. Another brewski please.”

Weasel opened another beer. “Just tell me his name.”

“Spider-Man.”

Weasel dropped the bottle but Deadpool caught it. “Wait, isn’t he like twelve?” Weasel said.

“No, he’s not _twelve_. Is that really what you think of me?” Deadpool paused. “He’ll be twelve on his next birthday.”

“Funny not funny.”

“He’s eighteen, okay? And he likes me.”

“Yeah, I can see you appealing to a teenager.”

“Shut up,” Deadpool suggested. “He’s not your average teen.”

“Hey, I’m on your side here. Get some, buddy.”

“Weasel, if you ever say that again, I’ll crush your larynx.”

“Noted.” Weasel cleared his throat. “So, you’re… dating?”

“Is that amusing to you?”

“Yeah, little bit.”

“Oh, come on, it’s hysterical. Me macking on a Boy Scout.”

“He looks pretty goddam fit in those tights.”

“Shut up.”

“You want some advice?”

“From you? No. Of course not.”

“Fine. Fuck it up by yourself.”

“Thanks. I will.” Deadpool tossed back the shot of whiskey Weasel set in front him. “Gotta go.”

“Oh? You going to see your new friend?”

“Yes, if it’s any of your business.”

“So, you aren’t getting any yet, huh?”

“What makes you say that?”

“Cause you are the tensest happy person I’ve ever seen.”

Deadpool shot Weasel a double bird over his shoulders as he left. He went home, put on his red suit, and went to a suitably high and remote spot in which to brood. He screamed when Peter landed beside him.

“Hey,” Peter said casually.

“Good one, Shortcake. I never saw you coming.” Deadpool pulled up his mask and looked over at Peter. “Is that a new outfit?”

“Yeah, cool, huh? Mr. Stark brought it over. It’s got all kinds of neat mods.”

“How do you pee in that thing?”

Peter peeled his mask back to stare at Deadpool. “Really?”

“I have an inquiring mind. Hey, isn’t it a little late for you to be out?”

“It’s Friday, remember? And I was too jazzed to sleep.”

“Me too. What a night.”

“You think pizza guy will ever let us eat there again?”

Deadpool chuckled. “I’m not sure there’s much left of the place. As minions go, those guys couldn’t hench for shit.”

“You want to do something?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. I just feel… restless, you know?”

“Do I ever.” Deadpool let his gaze roam over Peter’s lithe frame.

“I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but do you ever get tired of, you know, coming on to me?”

“Do you get tired of it is the real question.”

Peter smiled. “Not really. It’s funny but it’s also kind of flattering.”

“Good to know. I figured it was more like annoying and borderline disgusting.”

Peter shook his head. “Nope. Not borderline at all.”

Deadpool laughed. “That didn’t sound like you.”

“You and MJ are rubbing off on me.”

Deadpool bit his lip. “You had to say that.”

“What?”

“The part about the rubbing.”

“Are you just being weird, or does that actually turn you on?”

“Why can’t it be both?” Deadpool put his arm around Peter. “Is this cool?”

“Way cool.” Peter’s heartbeat speeded up. He put his arm around Deadpool’s waist as casually as he could manage. No big deal… except it was. “It’s nice up here.”

“Yeah, I can totally see why Batman hangs out on parapets all the time.”

“What?”

“Parapet. It’s that little wall on the edge of the roof.”

“I know what a parapet is. What’s a Batman?”

“Oops, wrong multiverse. Never mind. It’s boring. _He’s_ boring.” Deadpool kissed Peter’s cheek… or at least he meant to, but Peter turned his head.

Deadpool’s lips slid across Peter’s cheek and found his mouth. He was so surprised that he didn’t move for what felt like a long time.

“Um, this is a little awkward,” Peter mumbled against Deadpool’s lips.

Deadpool reacted by pulling Peter into an embrace as tender as it was fierce. He took Peter’s mouth in a kiss that started out warm but quickly heated up to torrid. It wasn’t simply the silk of Peter’s lips or the wet velvet rasp of his tongue or the firm yet supple length of him, it was more the fact that he was kissing this particular person that made it so arousing. He could feel Peter’s accelerating heartbeat against his chest, and he was abruptly filled with an emotion so large he thought his ribs were going to shatter.

Deadpool broke the kiss. “That’s enough for now,” he said lightly.

Peter’s eyelids rose to half-mast. He looked a little drowsy and a lot confused. “Why did you stop?”

“I’m getting a little too excited.”

“I know what you mean.” Peter blushed. “But it’s perfectly normal. Everything I read says adolescent males—”

“Let me stop you right there, Garanimals. Look at me.” Deadpool held out his arms. “Do I look like an adolescent?”

Peter took a breath. “Nope, but—”

“Don’t.” Deadpool shook his head. “This is a really inconvenient time for me to develop a conscience, so don’t make it worse.”

“What’s going on please?”

“Wouldn’t you rather be with someone your own age for something like this?”

Peter blinked. “Are you shitting me?”

Deadpool blinked. “You sad a bad word.”

“Screw that. Man, what a tease.” Peter backflipped off the parapet as he shot a web at the building opposite. Before Deadpool could move, Spider-Man was gone.


	11. Eleven

The next morning, Peter went for a walk and somehow ended up at Deadpool’s abandoned industrial park. When his phone chimed, he almost ignored it. He didn’t want to talk; he wanted to think, but he couldn’t ignore this call. “Hey, Mr. Stark.”

“How’s the new suit working out?”

“It’s great, really great.”

“Uh, I don’t want to be a whiner, but I expected a little more enthusiasm.”

“Really, it’s great.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No. I mean, yes, but I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Too bad.”

Peter jumped to his feet when Iron Man dropped from the sky. Tony stepped out of the suit and looked around.

“I know this place. Deadpool’s playground. Is it time for recess?”

Peter didn’t smile. “How’d you know where I was? You promised not to track my phone.”

“I’d never make a promise like that.”

Peter didn’t answer.

“So… what are you doing here?” Tony asked.

“Thinking mostly.”

“About?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it.”

Tony shook his head. “It’s cute you think you have a choice. As long as you wear that suit, you’re my responsibility. So come on. Spill it. What’s got your Garanimals in a twist?”

“What’s a garanimal? Deadpool called me that last night.”

“Uh, well, it’s a line of children’s clothing.”

“You know what? He reminds me of you sometimes.”

“You take that back right now, young man.” Tony smiled to show he was joking. “Talk to me, kid. I’m here for you.”

“You’ll just get mad and yell at me.”

“I won’t. You have my word.”

“Really, Mr. Stark?” Peter sighed. “Okay, so, me and Deadpool have been dating and—”

“Dating?!”

“You promised you wouldn’t yell.”

“Yes, I did. Foolish of me. Go on.”

Peter looked everywhere except at Tony. “Last night, we finally kissed, but—”

“Hold up.” Tony uncurled his fingers and took a deep breath. “Okay, go on.”

“That’s all that happened.”

“Good.”

“No, not good. I’m eighteen. I should be able to make out with my date.”

“I’d agree if your date was eighteen too.”

“He is though. Not really, but I mean, if you hung out with him a few times, you’d see. He’s a big kid.”

“With decades more experience.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing, Mr. Stark. Maybe I’d like someone to, you know, show me the ropes, or whatever. That was a stupid thing to say, I know, but it makes me real nervous to talk to you about, you know.”

“Yeah, let’s hope there are no ropes involved. Not right away.” Tony wiped his forehead. “You’re giving me gray hairs, kid.”

Peter looked at the ground and mumbled something.

“What was that?” Tony asked.

“I just don’t understand why he didn’t want to keep kissing me. Was it that bad?”

“Have you asked him? Christ, did I just say that?”

“He said something crazy about growing a conscience.”

“Well, whatta ya know?” Tony said under his breath. “Look, Peter, I think you really ought to talk to the guy before you decide he hates you, or whatever you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking I’m a skinny nerd who doesn’t know how to kiss right.”

“Well, I can’t help you with the kissing, but I can tell you that you’re a lot more than a skinny nerd. You’re in great shape. Are you kidding me?” Tony smacked Peter’s bicep. “You’re a rock. And you’re a real smart guy.”

“Thanks, Mr. Stark. I’ll do what you said. I’ll talk to him.”

“I’m so conflicted.” Tony groaned. “I want you to be happy, but— _this_ guy. Why did it have to be this guy? You know?”

“He’s really not that bad.”

“Yes, he is, but for some reason, he has a soft spot for you. Just….” Tony lowered his head until he could see Peter’s eyes. “Just be careful, okay.”

“Okay.”

“Anyone would be lucky to have you,” Tony said. He was just about to remove the bug from the back of Peter’s neck but left it where it was. He didn’t feel good about lojacking the kid when he wasn’t in uniform, but better safe than sorry.

“Thanks for cheering me up. I know how busy you are.”

“It’s mostly all wedding prep these days.” Tony grinned. “I should be picking out silver patterns at this very moment. Pepper already knows what she wants, but she takes perverse pleasure in making me go through the ritual. What is it they say about payback?”

Peter chuckled. “You probably deserve it, Mr. Stark.”

“No, I don’t think that’s it.” Tony tousled Peter’s hair. “But you’re right nonetheless.” He stepped back into the suit.

Peter watched him fly away until he was a speck, and then he took out his phone and called MJ.

“Did you recently donate a brain sample?” MJ inquired sharply. “Are you seriously telling me you ditched Deadpool?”

“Not exactly. If you’ll let me finish—”

“Go ahead.” MJ listened to Peter’s frenetic blow-by-blow account. “Classic over-reaction,” she said. “The guy wasn’t rejecting you. He was just offering to take it slow, which is not a bad idea, just by the way.”

“But I wanted to do more.”

“You always do.” MJ smiled. “It’s one of the things I find intriguing about you, Parker. For a mild-mannered dude, you’re weirdly… assertive. So, a while back when you told me you were bi-curious, you also said you didn’t have any experience in that area.”

“Well, I might have a little now.”

“Lame, Parker. You don’t have to impress me. I’m already knocked out that my bestie is tight with Deadpool.” MJ paused. “I’m no expert, but maybe you shouldn’t go at it full bore. Take your time.” She paused again. “Then again, you’re a very healthy teenage boy, so you’ll probably just go for it.”

“Hey, come on! I’m not out of control.”

MJ laughed. “I would actually pay to see that. Parker out of control.” She coughed. “Okay, back to the serious stuff.”

“I need to talk him, right?”

“Duh.”

“I don’t know how to find him though. He always finds me.”

“I know where he hangs out.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, you should check out his fan club’s website sometime, but everyone knows he hangs out at Sister Margaret’s Home for Wayward Girls.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s the name of a bar. Funny, right?”

“Um, yeah. Listen, I gotta go.”

“Sure. Say hi for me.”

“Will do.” Peter hung up and hurried home to change.


	12. Twelve

Over the new supersuit, Peter wore his oldest jeans and an ancient hoodie that had belonged to Aunt May. He liked the faded depiction of the original Scooby-doo Mystery Machine. He had combed his hair forward instead of back and was regretting it. The bangs tickled his forehead. This was such a bad idea, but he had to talk to Deadpool.

Peter walked into the sleazy-looking bar and stepped to the side so he wouldn’t block the doorway while he looked around. He saw several tough-looking, biker-type dudes playing pool and some guys in camo playing cards, but he didn’t see Deadpool or Wade Wilson. It was a couple of minutes before he noticed the bartender gesturing to him.

“Uh, hi,” Peter said as he leaned on the bar.

“You got i.d.?”

“I.d.?”

“Yeah, we serve alcohol, so no minors allowed.”

“I don’t want a drink. I’m just looking for a friend of mine.”

“I find it difficult to believe you know anyone who hangs out here, Beaver.”

“Did— did you just call me a, uh… pussy?”

“What? No. Beaver as in Beaver _Cleaver_.”

“That’s a terrible name.”

“Heh. Yeah, you’re right, now that I think about it.” The bartender laughed. “I’m Weasel. You can stay but be discreet.”

“Right. Thank you, Mr. Weasel.”

“So, who are you looking for? I might know him.”

“Uh….” Peter bit his lip. Did he ask for Wade or Deadpool?”

“Hey, sugar.” One of the working girls leaned on the bar next to Peter. “You’re cute. Got any cash?”

“I, uh, I—” Peter got hold of himself. “I’m looking for my friend.”

“I can be real friendly for the right amount,” she purred.

“Back off, Jezebel,” Deadpool said from behind her. “He’s taken.”

Weasel looked from Deadpool to Peter. “No way,” he said.

Deadpool took hold of Peter’s upper arm. “This is no place for you,” he said. “Hi, Weeze. Bye, Weeze. Come on, Shortcake.”

Peter let himself be drawn outside before he shook off Deadpool’s hand. 

“It’s a lot quieter out here,” Deadpool said. He leaned against the alley wall. “What brings you to this dive anyway?”

“You. What else?”

“You were looking for me?”

“Yeah, I talked to Mr. Stark and MJ, and they both think I over-reacted.”

“Look, I’m sorry I was so aggressive.”

“I’m not, and anyway, you weren’t. Too aggressive, I mean.”

“Yay! But why did you take off?”

“I was being a brat because you didn’t want to kiss me again.”

Deadpool really wanted to sweep Peter up in his arms and twirl him around. He’d never been good at resisting impulses.

Peter laughed as his feet left the ground. “Airplane,” he said.

Obligingly, Deadpool lifted him higher and spun around. “I gotta stop now,” he said. “I’m lovin’ this _Dirty Dancing_ action, but I’m getting dizzy.”

Peter slid down into the circle of Deadpool’s arms. “If anyone saw us right now—” He broke into laughter again.

“They’d call for the guys in the white coats.” Deadpool tightened his arms around Peter. “Swear to god, I don’t know what this is, but it’s sure as hell powerful.”

Peter looked into Deadpool’s eyes. “Don’t you think this would be a good time for another kiss?”

“Right here, right now?”

“Yeah. Unless you don’t want to.”

“Are you… daring me?” Deadpool sounded absolutely delighted.

Peter clucked like a chicken.

“Oh no you didn’t.” Deadpool ducked his head and found Peter’s mouth with his. A little thrill ran down his spine as Peter’s lips parted easily for him. He slid his tongue against Peter’s tongue, inviting him to play. His hands kneaded lean, hard muscles as he moved them down to Peter’s hips. He dug his fingers in and Peter moaned into his mouth. Again, that huge emotion swelled in his chest, blended of desire, tenderness, pride, protectiveness, and wonder. “Fuck me,” he gasped as he broke the kiss.

“I, uh, I don’t think I’m, uh, ready for that… right now.”

Deadpool grinned. “You’re one of a kind, Shortcake.”

“Ditto, Spike.” Peter put his arms around Deadpool’s neck and rose on his toes to return the kiss. He wasn’t sure what to do with his hands, but his hands didn’t care about his lack of knowledge; they went exploring on their own. His eyes were closed again, and he was lost in the sensations of their tongues sliding together. He was very aware of how hard he was, but it was such a natural reaction to the kissing that he wasn’t embarrassed about it.

“Thith ith tho thucking thweet.” Deadpool knew he sounded like the village idiot, mumbling into Peter’s mouth, but he was unwilling to break the kiss to make the comment. He cupped Peter’s butt cheeks in his hands and squeezed as he pressed Peter’s crotch to his thigh. The hard ridge he felt against his quad made that warm, expansive feeling in his chest increase by an order of magnitude.

Peter drew his head back and sucked in a big breath of air. “Whoa,” he said breathlessly. “Sorry. I needed oxygen.”

“Breathe through your nose. And remember that advice. It’ll come in handy later… I hope.”

“What?”

“Not like later tonight. Later in our relationship.”

Peter’s voice rose a half-octave. “We have a relationship?”

“Be cool, Pool, be cool,” Deadpool said under his breath. “But think fast. You’ve haven’t screwed the pooch yet.” He glanced at Peter’s stunned expression. “Then again, you might be a poodle-pounder. A hound-humper. A beagle-banger. A—”

“Oh my god! Stop talking for a minute. I’m just— I’m surprised, that’s all. I mean, we’re dating, and then we kissed, and now there’s a relationship? Okay. That’s cool. That’s cool, I guess. Why wouldn’t it be? A relationship can mean a lot of things, right? Right?”

“Yeah, I’d say there’s a whole spectrum of degrees when it comes to relationships, but I’m talking about the one where we don’t sleep with other people.”

“Oh.”

“Is that a yes?”

“No. Wait. I don’t mean no as in _no_ , I mean no as in not yes.”

“Aren’t they the same thing, Pumpkin?”

“I’m not sure anymore. That kiss—”

Deadpool gave Peter’s butt another squeeze. “What were you saying?” He flexed his thigh against Peter’s crotch.

“Wow!” Peter gasped. “That feels… really good.”

“Come here, Shortcake.” Deadpool lifted Peter in his arms.

Peter rested his hands on Deadpool’s broad shoulders and wrapped his legs around Deadpool’s hips. He lowered his head and gave Deadpool a kiss. He was starting to think he had the hang of it when Deadpool pulled back. “What?”

“I just remembered we’re in the alley behind a sleazy dive bar. I’ll hate myself in five minutes, but we gotta put the brakes on this thing.”

“Aw, come on.” Peter looked into Deadpool’s eyes.

“Nope, nope, nope.” Deadpool peeled Peter off and set him on his feet. “Not here.”

“You sure are picky for a guy who talks like a horndog 24/7.”

“I’m as shocked as you are.” Deadpool put a hand on Peter’s nape. “Is all forgiven?”

“You lost me.”

“Then never mind. Can I see you tomorrow?”

“Not until late. I’ll text you.” Peter squirmed. “Jeez.”

“What?”

“I’m wearing my supersuit under my clothes and it’s a little crowded in here right now, if you know what I mean.”

“IwillnotlaughIwillnotlaughIwillotlaugh,” Deadpool chanted. “Who am I kidding?” He cracked up.

“It’s not funny. It’s kind of painful, if you want to know.”

“I know. Believe me, I _know_. And I’m sorry.” Deadpool stifled another laugh. “Go home. We’ll pick this up tomorrow.”

Peter had experienced inconvenient erections before, but this was the first time Spider-Man had to swing home with a boner. It was not fun.


	13. Thirteen

After school the next day, Peter said goodbye to MJ and Ned and jogged home. Aunt May was on her way out to a Book Club meeting, which normally meant she’d come home tipsy on wine and use a few off-color words when they played their regular game of Scrabble. However, things were far from normal. When she kissed his cheek and told him to warm up some lasagna, he said he might go out. She told him not to be too late and hurried out the door.

Peter did his homework, ate some lasagna, and took a shower. He pulled on a fresh T-shirt and boxers and the jeans he’d worn the night before. As he gazed at the supersuit hanging in the closet, he thought deliberately about what might happen in the next few hours.

For some reason, probably because of Mr. Stark, Deadpool had dialed it back quite a bit. Peter was a little relieved, but he was also a little disappointed. It was a rush knowing someone as cool as Deadpool was crushing on him, and he kind of missed the full-frontal approach. Also, he was getting pretty frustrated with the stop-and-go stuff. He was ready for more. He just had to find a way to get around Deadpool’s new circumspection.

A little after eight-thirty, Peter walked back to school and went to the gym to fill in for a sick band member. He played clarinet in the stands while the basketball team edged out a victory, and then put the instrument away. After saying goodbye to the other band members, he left the gym and started walking.

It was cold, but he didn’t feel the chill. He was too keyed up thinking about the next couple of hours. He’d been raised to be patient and polite, but he was tired of being treated like a kid. There was a new determination in his stride as he saw Deadpool waiting for him on the corner.

Deadpool was juggling daggers to pass the time. He was looking forward to seeing Peter and continuing what they’d started last night. He’d spent the day making his home as clean and presentable as it was ever going to be. If things went the way he wanted them to, Peter wouldn’t even notice the décor, or lack thereof.

He heard an odd noise and turned toward it, letting the daggers fell to the sidewalk. He saw a whirling circle of sparks surrounding Peter and then the circle closed, and Peter was gone.

“No! Nonononononononono! Not again!” Deadpool screamed as he ran to the spot where Peter had disappeared. He stopped and looked into the sky. “Fuck a duck! Fuck all the ducks!”


	14. Fourteen

Peter looked around at the strange chamber he’d been transported to. It reminded him a lot of the graphics in Assassin’s Creed. Pretty cool. He looked at the tall man in the red cloak beside him. It looked just like the cloak Mr. Stark described as a cheeky serape. So, this guy must be….

“Dr. Strange, right?” Peter guessed.

“I’m sorry for the abrupt departure,” Strange said. “But there was no time for explanations.”

“I had plans.”

“Once again, I’m sorry, but we need your help,” Strange said.

“We?”

“Come this way.”

Strange led Peter across a hall to another chamber. Peter’s gaze went to the man lying so still on a velvet-draped bed. On the other side of the room, the God of Thunder paced.

“Mr. Stark?” Peter looked up at Strange. “What— what’s wrong? What’s he doing here?”

“He was stricken by a spell.”

“What? A spell?” Peter shook his head. “What happened? I just talked to him. He was picking out china patterns.”

Thor coughed. “My brother exchanged a piece of Tony Stark’s jewelry for a copy he had bespelled. I often joke of his witchery, but it is no laughing matter. Our mother taught him powerful magic. It came naturally to him.”

Strange cleared his throat.

“Right.” Thor nodded. “You wanted a brief explanation. Very well. Loki used the jewel to fetch Tony Stark to him for reasons known only to the God of Mischief.”

Strange frowned. “That doesn’t explain anything. Could you take this a little more seriously?” He turned to Peter. “I’m not sure what to call you, young man.”

“I’m Peter.”

“Peter, Mr. Stark is in a trance. His consciousness is floating, detached from his physical self.”

“Because of the jewel,” Thor put in.

Strange shot a glare at the God of Thunder. “Yes, we all heard that part, thank you.” He focused on Peter. “Tony attempted to use an arcane device to contact me and it reacted badly with the residual magic in his system, and when I say residual magic, I’m referring to the controls Loki implanted and didn’t bother to remove. Damn sloppy of him, but fortunately, I was in link with Stark and brought him here.”

“Does Miss Potts know?”

“Not yet.”

“You have to tell her. She’s—”

Strange cleared his throat. “Why don’t we try to save him first? We don’t have a lot of time. The longer we delay, the farther away his spirit travels, and the less likely it will be inclined to return.”

“What can I do?” Peter asked. “I mean, you’re a wizard—” He pointed to Thor. “And he’s a god. If you can’t help him—” He stopped speaking and stared at the man who appeared at Thor’s side. Dark, slim, and elegant, he was Thor’s polar opposite. This could only be Loki. “Whoa! Loki? This is amazing,” he blurted out.

Loki looked a bit taken aback at this greeting, but he recovered his aplomb immediately. “You are here because I believe you are the only one who can call Tony Stark back from the world of souls.”

“Me?” Peter frowned. “I don’t know why you’d think that. I’m no master of quantum metaphysics or whatever this is. I’m good with real physics but I don’t know a lot about supernatural stuff. Don’t I need crystals or something?”

“Please stop talking,” Strange said. “I’m going to put you in a trance and then Loki—” He gave the God of Mischief a glance that was a warning. “Will connect you with Tony… Mr. Stark’s consciousness. All right?”

“Um, sure. So that shit works? Oops. Sorry. That slipped out.”

“Yes, the shit works,” Loki said silkily. “Come here, boy.”

“You can call me Peter, Mr. Loki.”

“Come here, Peter,” Loki held out his hand.

Peter walked to the bed and stood in front of Loki. Thor gave him an encouraging look over Loki’s shoulder, and Peter nodded to him.

“I’m ready,” he said.

“Oh, I very much doubt that,” Loki said. “But Stark holds you in high regard, which I can only assume means that you are remarkable in some way.” He smiled. “Have a seat.”

Peter sat and leaned back against the ornately carved wooden screen behind the bed. Loki took Tony’s hand and placed it between Peter’s hands.

“Don’t let go,” Loki said. He looked into Peter’s eyes. “No matter what you see, you must keep hold of him.”

“Is going to be scary?”

Loki smiled again. “Oh yes.”

Peter gave him a puzzled look. “Are you enjoying this?”

“Cease your teasing of the lad,” Thor rumbled.

“Hush.” Loki put a finger to his lips and then glanced at Dr. Strange.

Strange made a complicated motion with one hand and touched the forefinger of the other to the bridge of Peter’s nose. “He’s prepared,” he said to Loki.

“Are you ready, Peter?” Loki leaned over Peter to cup his chin on his palm.

Peter felt mildly foolish and a little uncomfortable under Loki’s intense gaze, and then he was floating in space. Or was he? After a moment of disorientation, he realized he was lying on a carpeted floor in the dark looking up at a display of the Milky Way. He also realized he was holding hands with Mr. Stark.

“It’s magnificent, isn’t it?” Tony said.

“Uh, yeah. Of course. That’s a really good projection.”

“I’m not talking about the mechanics of the light show. The universe is magnificent. I’ll give you that there are a few rotten spots, but for the most part, it’s a miracle.”

“Well, yeah, sure.” Peter was confused. This wasn’t scary, and Mr. Stark didn’t appear to be in trouble. “Why don’t we go home now?”

“Why would we? It’s peaceful here. No worries. No responsibilities.”

“But you want responsibilities. You told me. You told Pepper. And what about your baby?”

“No baby.”

“What? Why no baby?”

“I’ve seen what’s coming. No point in any more babies.”

“What are you talking about?”

“A queen of darkness. A goddess of death. I’ve seen her. She wants to burn all of it, and she will as soon as she has the power.”

“Um, okay, so there’s a bad lady.” Peter had no idea what he was supposed to do, so he kept talking. “And what’s her problem?”

“The usual, wants to take over the world. All the worlds. And of course, she’ll start with the Earth, as you do.” Tony’s voice changed from mildly serious to idly curious. “Do you think there are other planets that get attacked on a regular basis the way we do?”

“Well, I don’t know, Mr. Stark, but I do know that we have the Avengers to protect Earth.”

“Except for Iron Man. You can count him out from now on. I’m staying here. You know what? You should stay with me.”

“I’d like to, but I have a date.”

“That’s ridiculous. You’re just a kid.”

“No, I’m not. You have to stop thinking that I’m the same kid you met three years ago.”

“Why?”

“Because you have to let me grow up.”

“No. Stay.”

Peter sighed. He wasn’t getting through. “For how long?”

“How does forever sound?”

“That’s a little past my bedtime for a school night.”

After a moment of quiet, Tony spoke in a hollow voice. “Everything you need is here.”

Peter felt a chill and spoke quickly. “I have everything I want already, thanks to you.” He squeezed Tony’s hand. “Except you. Let’s go home, okay?”

“Why?”

Peter’s heart nearly broke at the apathy in that bleak voice. “Because of the people waiting for you. And, and because you’re going to be a _dad_.”

“It scares the shit out of me.”

“Okay, so you’re scared. I know you get scared sometimes, but then you shake it off and do what you gotta do. That’s who you are, Mr. Stark.”

After a silence that went on way too long for Peter’s liking, Tony spoke again, and his voice sounded much more normal.

“Peter?”

“I’m right here, Mr. Stark.”

Tony ran a hand over Peter’s face. “Oh good.” He sat up. “Man, I had the worst nightmare. Everyone was dead. You died in my arms. But you’re not dead. You’re here with me.” He paused. “Why is it so dark?”

“Mr. Loki?” Peter called out. “Mr. Dr. Strange? Little help, please.”

“No, not those jerks,” Tony said. “They’ll ruin everything.”

“I think they’re trying to help.”

“I don’t want help. I just want to stay here. Wherever here is.”

“Please, Mr. Stark. Please come home with me.” Tears filled Peter’s eyes. “I need you. The whole world needs you. And your baby will need you more than anyone.”

Tony shook his head. “It’ll hurt.” He was positive of this. If he left this featureless but safe space, he would lose everyone he loved in a tragedy so huge it would affect worlds.

“I know.” Peter squeezed Tony’s hand again. “Sometimes it hurts to care, but what can you do? Stop caring?”

“It would make everything a lot easier.”

“Maybe you’re right, but I don’t believe my hero would take that way out.”

“What?”

“You have to know how much I… admire you. Remember when you asked me why I was Spider-Man?”

Tony was quiet for a long time. “Yeah,” he said. “I do remember.” He stood up, taking Peter with him. “Shit. What’s going on? Where are we?” His voice had an edge of hysteria, and he held Peter’s hand tighter. “Don’t let me go.”

“Never, Mr. Stark.” Peter’s stomach lurched. He had a moment of dizziness and then he was blinking in the sudden wash of light.

“How sweet,” Loki said.

Peter saw he was back in the chamber. Tony was still holding on to his hand.

“Yes, it is sweet.” Thor dropped a heavy hand on Loki’s shoulder. “Well done, brother.”

“If I may.” Strange pulled Tony away and drew him to sit on the bed. As Tony gazed docilely up at Strange, the master of the mystic arts performed a very esoteric examination.

“And you, Peter Parker, well done.” Thor patted Peter’s shoulder.

Peter tried to peek around Thor’s massive biceps. “Is Mr. Stark going to be okay?”

Loki nodded. “Yes, now that he’s back, he’ll be fine. In fact, he won’t even remember it. You did very well. Very well indeed considering you have no training.” He tilted his head to the side as he looked Peter over. “I think I would like to know you better.”

“We’ll have none of that,” Strange said. His fingers danced on the air, and Peter disappeared. He looked over at Loki and Thor. “Goddess of Death?” He raised his eyebrows. “Anything you want to tell me, boys?”

Thor and Loki exchanged puzzled glances.


	15. Fifteen

Deadpool kicked an unoffending rock and watched it bounce off the rubble at the base of a broken wall. He was about to kick another one when he heard a whooshing noise overhead. He looked up and saw a whirling circle of sparks. He held out his arms and Peter Parker fell into them. His Shortcake had been gone for less than five minutes.

“Hey,” Deadpool said.

Peter caught his breath. “Whoa. That was insane.”

“Anything you want to tell me?”

“Not at the moment. It’s, it’s, uh, a lot to process.”

“Okay then. You hungry?”

“Heck yeah!” Peter was worried about Tony, but he figured a wizard and two gods could handle it, and he was starving all of a sudden. “You want to put me down?”

“Not really.”

“Then do something.”

“I could get used to taking orders from you.” Deadpool dipped his head and took Peter’s mouth in a kiss almost desperate in its passion. “I thought you were gone,” he said when he lifted his head.

“I always come back.” Peter put his arms around Deadpool’s neck and pulled him down into another kiss. “Where are we eating?”

“How does Chez Deadpool sound?”

“Like somewhere the Addams Family would go for a picnic.”

“Outstanding. That’s exactly what I was going for. So, do I call a cab or….”

Peter slid to the ground. “Nah, let’s do it my way.”

“Ooh, I felt a tingle when you said that.” Deadpool giggled.

“You ready?” Peter pushed his sleeve back to uncover the webshooter and put his other arm around Deadpool’s waist.

Deadpool wrapped an arm around Peter’s shoulders. “Let’s see how fast you can get to my place.”

Minutes later, they dropped to the ground inside the abandoned industrial park Deadpool called home.

“Whew,” Deadpool said. “I’m impressed, Shortcake.

“Yeah? Well, it’s your turn to impress me.”

“Are you daring me? Please say yes.”

Peter laughed. “I have to warn you. I’m feeling a little crazy. I just had the wildest experience.”

“You want to tell me about it now?”

“Not yet. What I want is the date I was promised.”

“Then step right this way to the Love Lair.” Deadpool started walking and Peter followed him inside. “Just give me a minute,” he said, brandishing a barbecue lighter.

A short time later, Peter took in the open space filled with pillows and candles. “Very, um, romantic.” He hesitated. “Isn’t it kind of a fire hazard though?”

“You’re a fire hazard.”

Peter chuckled. “Oh, yeah, for sure. I’m so hot.” He laughed again.

“You are though. To me.” Deadpool pulled his mask off. “What do you say we get more comfortable?”

“Fine with me, but don’t forget, one of us might get beamed up at any time.”

“Yeah, what’s with that?” Deadpool finished stripping off his suit, leaving him in a pair of Hello Kitty briefs.

Peter’s mouth went dry. For several seconds, he was incapable of anything beyond gaping at Deadpool’s body. In spite of the scarring, or maybe because of it, Deadpool’s sculpted physique was more than beautiful. It was unique. And powerful. And terribly sexy.

“Wow,” Peter breathed.

Deadpool vogued a bit because he couldn’t help it. “You like what you see?”

“You’re ripped. I mean, like totally shredded. And you’ve got mad texture.”

“Yeah, okay, but do you like it?”

“Are you kidding, dude?”

“Do I look like a kidder?”

“Yeah, you do. Like, a lot.”

Deadpool sighed. “Seriously, though, it doesn’t turn you off?”

“Nope.”

“Any chance you’d let me get fresh?”

“Every chance in the world.” Peter leaped into Deadpool’s arms. “It’s been an emotional night for me. I think I need to be with someone.”

“Will I do?” Deadpool rubbed his nose against Peter’s.

“Let’s find out.”

“Something happened to you while you were gone,” Deadpool said. “You’re different somehow, and I like it.”

“I just— I’ve known what I want for a while now, but I, I—” Peter lifted his chin. “I decided there’s nothing wrong with asking for it.”

Deadpool took the hint. With his hands on Peter’s shoulders, he leaned in and kissed him. As the kiss drew out, he slid his hands down under the hoodie and slipped it off. Peter obligingly lifted his arms, and his T-shirt joined the hoodie on the floor. Deadpool ran his hands over the lean hard muscles of Peter’s arms and then entwined his fingers with Peter’s.

“Are you as turned on as I am?” Deadpool asked as he broke the kiss.

“My, uh, my, uh— Whew!” Peter took a breath. “My dick’s so hard it, um, it actually hurts.”

“We should do something about that. Is it okay if I touch you… down there?”

Peter laughed. “Sorry. My bad. I’m not laughing at you. If this is about consent, they taught us that in sex ed. You don’t have to ask at every step. It’s okay.” He bit his lip. “Don’t get mad, but I think it’s really, um, it’s really sweet.”

“Oh, man, you’re just so….” Deadpool paused.

“Young?” Peter rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, but also good and sweet and decent and…. What the fuck am I doing?”

“Making out.”

“This is nuts. I mean, yeah, you’re hot right down to the ground, but is it right? Should I be doing this? I’m already going to hell, but is this going to add some extra torment? I’m not used to asking myself these questions.”

“What are you talking about? Things were going really good.”

“I’m conflicted. It’s not like me. I usually know exactly what I want, and I have no problem taking it.”

“I thought you wanted me. If you don’t, why did you chase me?”

“I do want you. You would not believe how much I want to be the one to—”

“I want this too,” Peter said. “Do I have to put it in writing?”

“You’re killing me, Shortcake.”

“I’m eighteen. I’m practically begging you to make out with me. What’s the problem?”

“What if I lose control?”

“Of what?” Peter was genuinely puzzled.

“Of myself, hello?”

“While we’re making out?” Peter scoffed. “Hey. Wait a minute. Are you talking about…?” He burst into laughter and then caught his breath, while Deadpool stared at him. “Are you seriously warning me about date rape? Because I can take care of myself. With or without the suit. But that’s not the point. You wouldn’t—”

Deadpool put his forefinger over Peter’s lips. “I just don’t want you to get hurt,” he said.

“Mr. Stark said that to me, too.” Peter met Deadpool’s gaze. “I trust you. You won’t hurt me.”

Deadpool put his hands over his face. “I’m not crying, you’re crying,” he sobbed.

Peter pulled Deadpool’s hands away. “Your fake crying is the worst, I mean the absolute worst, I’ve ever heard.” He paused. “So… are we gonna get busy or…?” He tilted his head to the side. “What is that dopey grin for? You look high. Like really wasted.”

“I was just trying to figure something out.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“You’re wicked smart, so you tell me. How can you be so smokin’ hot and so insanely adorable at the same time?”

“I, uh, I… don’t know? Same question.”

“Well-played.” Deadpool put his arms around Peter again. “I really like you, Shortcake. You’re smart as fuck and you’re quick too. Also, very sticky. I like sticky.”

Peter looked up, an impish smile tucked into the corners of his mouth, but before he could say anything, Deadpool pulled him up onto his toes and kissed him with intent. Peter made a small startled sound that was muffled against Deadpool’s lips, but he recovered quickly. He was getting a little more used to the rampant feelings roused by Deadpool’s kisses, but they still went to his head like a 101-degree fever. And the feel of Deadpool’s hard body pressed against him made the heat at his core flare into a wildfire that spread like… well, you know, wildfire.

Deadpool was doing his best to hold himself in check— _thanks for the scruples, Tony Stark, may you be plagued with beard lice_. He tried to be gentle, to take it slow, but Peter’s response to the kiss was making it… difficult. (You thought I was going to say “hard,” didn’t you? Nope. This might be semi-crack fic, but that pun is too easy.) Deadpool hadn’t been an actual teenager in some time, but Peter’s uninhibited reactions sure made him feel like one.

Peter thought he had the knack of power-kissing now, and he took control with a confidence that surprised Deadpool and sent a bolt of pleasure straight to his crotch. Peter rose to wrap his arms around Deadpool’s neck and his legs around Deadpool’s hips, retaining his control with a through exploration of Deadpool’s mouth. He didn’t think it could get much better and then Deadpool cupped his butt cheeks in his hands and squeezed. Peter raised his head and gasped.

“Great flying spaghetti monster,” Deadpool said breathlessly as he gazed up at Peter’s face. “If this is what making out with you is like, I think the sex would kill me. No shit. I think I’d come and just explode.”

Peter took a breath before he answered. “We’ll have to test that theory sometime.”

“So that’s your evil plan. You’re going to blow me up.” Deadpool squeezed Peter’s ass again, fingers creeping into his crack. “Not for nothing, but you got a world-class booty on you.”

Peter moaned. “Shit, that feels good.”

Deadpool didn’t say a word about how long he’d been supporting Peter’s weight—and the kid was solid muscle—he just pulled Peter tighter against him. “Excuse me while I kiss this guy,” he said.

Peter sensed there was a joke in there somewhere, but he didn’t get it. It didn’t matter anyway. All that mattered was the delicious tension behind his pubic bone that grew stronger and stronger the longer the slow, deep kiss went on.

Deadpool let Peter slip a few inches until they were face to face and more to the point, crotch to crotch. He took three steps and pressed Peter against the wall. With as much restraint as he could summon, he flexed his buttocks and rubbed his hardon against Peter’s.

Peter moaned into Deadpool’s mouth. He wasn’t thinking about Deadpool being older or scarred or possibly deranged. He wasn’t thinking at all. He’d never felt anything as powerful as this, and it was frankly overwhelming. The sensation of Deadpool’s hardness pulsing against his crotch while Deadpool sucked on his tongue was abruptly too much. He shuddered as his orgasm ignited, and he held tight to Deadpool as the waves of pleasure rolled over and through him, leaving him drained.

“Did you just come?” Deadpool asked softly. “Wait. Don’t answer that. Just enjoy it.”

Peter let his forehead rest against Deadpool’s as the most amazing feeling he’d ever felt slowly receded, ebbing in strength, leaving behind a warm glow. “Wow.”

“Yeah?”

“So much yeah.”

Deadpool chuckled. “Think you could ease up a little. I’m partial to oxygen.”

“Oh, sorry. My bad.” Peter loosened his hold.

“Wait. Not yet. Let’s hold on a little longer. Just not so tight.”

“No problem. Hey, what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Well, you know, I feel amazing. You should feel amazing too.”

“Believe it or don’t, knowing I made you happy is enough.”

“Stop lying.” Peter smiled. “Tell me what I can do to make you feel amazing.”

“I feel pretty fuckin’ amazing already.”

Peter looked Deadpool in the eyes and deliberately pressed his happy crotch more firmly against him. “You feel this amazing?”

“I try so hard to be a good boy.” Deadpool groaned.

“Could you try good to be hard? Whoa. That didn’t make any sense. Never mind.” Peter closed the gap between his lips and Deadpool’s in a lingering kiss.

Deadpool turned with Peter in his arms and dropped onto the sofa. Letting his weight rest on Peter, he thrust hard and fast, with his face buried in the curve of Peter’s damp neck. In a lot less time than he expected, he came powerfully and collapsed in a boneless heap. Eyes closed, he languidly licked the sheen of sweat from Peter’s collar bones.

After a few minutes, Peter spoke. “Um, this is awesome, but, um, you’re kind of, kind of heavy.”

“I’m the optimum weight for my height,” Deadpool said drowsily.

“You’re squishing me.”

Deadpool rolled onto his side with Peter in his arms. “How’s this?”

“I wanna do it again!”

Deadpool groaned.


	16. Sixteen

“Wake up.”

Peter blinked and focused on the face hanging over him. “Mr. Stark?”

“Oh good, you’re awake.” Tony silenced the voice in his head that told him he was way over the line. He looked at Peter in Deadpool’s bed and firmed his resolve. “Are you out of your mind?”

“Oh my god, what are you doing here?” Peter looked wildly around. “Where’s Spike?”

“That’s not what I want to hear from you right now.”

“I don’t understand.”

“First, you were out all night. Second, do you know what day it is?”

Peter dropped his gaze. “Thursday?”

“Dammit, I meant the date. Do you know the date?” Tony didn’t wait for an answer. “You were supposed to meet me an hour ago.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark. Is that today?”

“Yes, it is. You were supposed to meet me so we could talk before we take Pepper to brunch.”

“Oh god. I’m so sorry, Mr. Stark. I’ll get dressed right now and—” Peter paused. “I really screwed up, huh?”

“It’s not fatal. Is there a shower in this joint?”

“I, uh, I don’t know, sir.”

“It smells like a whorehouse at low tide in here. Get up and find a shower. You have three minutes. Scamper.”

Peter was profoundly grateful he’d fallen asleep in a pair of Deadpool’s sweatpants. It made getting out of bed with Tony watching slightly less humiliating. He knew where the bathroom was, but he couldn’t remember if there was a shower. There had to be, right? A sink at least. _Oh my god, this was so embarrassing_.

Tony watched Peter walk across the room, shirtless, a pair of too-large sweatpants riding low, sure-footed and already pulling himself together after the shock of his rude awakening. He was secure enough to appreciate the kid’s toned physique objectively, and he could understand Deadpool’s attraction on a purely physical level. He could also understand being attracted by Peter’s intelligence, his sense of humor, his earnest enthusiasm. He could even understand the attraction to someone so fresh and unspoiled. Oh sure, he could understand… but he didn’t have to like it. “Why did it have to be _this_ guy?” he said under his breath.

“Mr. Stark?” Peter came out of the bathroom toweling his hair. Now that he was over the shock, he was struggling with his anger and resentment toward Tony. “Did you say something?”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking at you.” Tony picked up a suit bag from the sofa. “Put this on and be quick about it.”

Out of habit, Peter obeyed. He unzipped the bag and put on the clothes. The lightweight Armani sports jacket, shirt, and trousers were a perfect fit. There were no shoes, so he put on his sneakers.

“Well, you certainly pass muster.” Tony buttoned the top button of the shirt, smoothed the jacket’s lapels, and ran a hand through Peter’s damp hair. “That gets you points. You might climb out of the hole you dug by the end of brunch.”

“I don’t get why Aunt May thinks I need to be sophisticated all of a sudden.”

“No danger of that.” Tony smiled. “She just wants you to be at ease with all kinds of people wherever you might go. I think it’s a grand idea.

Peter sighed. “I like you and Miss Potts but getting all dressed up to eat weird food in some fancy restaurant doesn’t sound like fun.”

“No, it sure doesn’t. Welcome to adulting.”

Peter swallowed. Obviously, Mr. Stark remembered nothing about his spirit or soul or whatever wandering away. That was a relief, but it looked like he was still going to brunch.

Deadpool stayed on the leather couch where he’d been deposited about fifteen minutes previous. He hadn’t seen much of the building on the way in, but he had a fair idea where he was.

The door in the opposite wall opened and Pepper Potts walked into the spacious office. Her stride was determined; she was not here for pleasure but for business. She might not care for the job Tony had asked her to do, but she’d do it to the best of her abilities, which were considerable. 

“So, you’re the one who shanghaied me,” Deadpool said. “That was intense. I’ve been kidnapped before but rarely with such… style.”

Pepper sat across the coffee table from Deadpool and crossed long, slim legs. “What do you think you’re doing, Mr. Wilson?”

“Well, uh, not really doing a lot of thinking, uh, ma’am.”

“That’s honest, at least.” She sat back. “I wanted to see you because I wonder what your plans are for Peter.”

“Plans?”

“I’m sorry. I assumed you had plans. Is this more of a _love him and leave him_ scenario, then?”

“No!”

“Well, what did you have in mind?”

“Quite a bit, but I haven’t been looking at engagement rings. I mean, we’ve barely kissed.”

“Uh-huh, and I’m sure you’re wondering why this is any of my business.”

“It should be between us, Peter and me, but….” Deadpool shrugged. “He’s got powerful friends with long noses.”

“We care about him. He’s strong and smart, but he’s just a—”

“Kid. Yeah I know.” Deadpool looked up. “He’s a kid, for sure, I’ll give you that, but he’s a lot more.”

“I know. The thing is… Tony is very fond of Peter.”

Deadpool gave her a deadpan look. “You’re kidding.”

“You’d have no reason to know this, but I’ve been waiting a long time for Tony Stark to grow a heart, or at least admit he has one.”

“Yeah, I know guys like that. Tough nuts to crack, for sure. Have you tried—?” Deadpool caught her incredulous glance. “But you were saying?”

“Thank you for the offer of advice, but I think I’ve got a handle on it.” Pepper said with just a smidge of sarcasm. “Tony loves Peter, and so do I, but for more a specific reason. Peter is the one who got Tony to realize he actually did care about other humans. If anything were to happen to that kid, well, I could almost pity the idiot who hurts him. Almost.”

“I feel exactly the same way.”

“But surely you can see how from my point of view, you’re more of a risk than an asset.”

“Yeah, I get that my reputation is checkered, but—”

“Checkered?” Pepper chuckled humorlessly. “Mr. Wilson, you slaughter people for a living. I’ve heard you described as a stone-cold killer, but personally, I think that assessment is wrong. In fact, in the YouTube videos I’ve seen, you appear to be downright gleeful while you butcher people. Also, your puerile catchphrases seem to be popular.”

“Man, people are so judgy. I don’t kill anyone who doesn’t clearly deserve death.”

“Oh, I see. You have standards.”

“Look, lady, let’s cut the small talk. I know who you are. I know how smart you are, and after talking to you for three minutes, I can tell that you always get what you want. So why don’t you tell me what it is you want from me, so I can tell you no? I left a happy Peter Parker asleep at my place, and I’d like to get back to him.”

“Tony’s picked him up by now. We have a brunch date.”

“How posh.” Deadpool affected a comic British accent, swallowing his resentment. “But you still haven’t told me what you want.”

“Ideally, you’d disappear from Peter’s life before you did too much damage.”

“Ouch! Am I really that bad?”

“I think you should ask yourself that question.” Pepper leaned forward. “If Peter were your child, would you want him dating you?” She paused. “That didn’t come out right, but you know what I mean.”

“If my kid was eighteen, I hope I’d let him or her make that decision. I’d hope I raised him to be able to do that.”

Pepper thought for a moment. “I expected you to react with curses and sarcasm, but to be honest, I like what you’ve said. If you won’t leave Peter alone, can you at least promise me you’ll take care of him?”

“Sure, if I thought he needed taking care of. The truth is he’s a lot more together than I am.”

“I’m doing my best to be open-minded, even though I was determined to get rid of you, if only for the sake of Tony’s peace of mind.” Pepper ran her gaze over Deadpool, a small line forming between her brows. “Maybe if you weren’t so, I don’t know, so big, so muscular, I guess. If you were some shy, skinny guy with glasses….” Pepper sighed. “But obviously, that isn’t what Peter wants, is it?”

“So… where are we?”

“As everyone keeps repeating, Peter is eighteen. No one can order him to stay away from you. I just wish I could trust you.”

“Maybe you could trust Peter.”

“Touché, Mr. Wilson.” Pepper got up. “Thanks for your time. I have another appointment now.”

“That’s it?”

“I said what I needed to say. I’ll apologize for kidnapping you, if you like.”

“That’s okay. Happens all the time. So, where you havin’ brunch?”

“Goodbye, Mr. Wilson.”

“Actually, now that I think of it, there’s something I’d like to say before I’m dismissed.” Deadpool got to his feet. “First, I don’t want your apology, and second, I don’t forgive you. You stole something from me today, and it isn’t something I can get back. So, if I’m slow to warm up to you, you’ll know why.”

Pepper smiled frostily. “And if I don’t care, I’m sure you’ll understand.”

“No worries on that score, Mama Lion. I read you loud and clear, zero static, no distortion, we’re five by five.”

“Oh good.” Without another word, Pepper left the office, and left Happy to deal with Deadpool. She still had empathy for what he’d suffered, but something about him made her nape tingle in warning. In all honesty, it was probably the man’s relentless pursuit of a teenager that made her alarms go off. Tony’s protectiveness had infected her, and it had grown stronger since she’d learned she was pregnant. The thought of Peter injured or heartbroken was almost unbearable. _Ye gods, but hormones were a powerful thing_. Pepper smiled. She should tell Tony to remember that when he spoke with Peter.

Pepper took out her phone and made a call.

“Hey,” Tony said. “What’s the skinny?”

“He didn’t budge.”

“Dammit. Did you play hardball?”

“I was an adamantium bitch on wheels. I did my best to shake him, Tony, but he doesn’t rattle. If you want my opinion, and you should, this thing between them is real.”

“Dammit.”

“You’re repeating yourself. I’ll see you at the restaurant.”

“Thanks for doing this for me.”

“You think I’m doing this for you?” Pepper chuckled and hung up.


	17. Seventeen

Happy stuck his head in the office. “Hey, knucklehead. You want a ride home?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Of course.”

“Are you going to lecture me on the drive?”

“I could do that right here.”

“Okay.” Deadpool stood up. He smiled at Happy. “You know what? It’s worth it.”

Happy held the door for Deadpool to walk through. “What’s that?”

“All this hassle you people put me through.”

“You think you’ve been hassled?” Happy said as they got in the express elevator.

“Call me old-fashioned, but being knocked out, kidnapped, and threatened counts as a hassle. I should do the same thing to you. We could have a hassle off.”

Happy said something under his breath.

“What?” Deadpool said as the elevator doors opened on a vast garage.

“I said, I can’t believe Peter thinks you’re funny.” Happy pushed a button on a key fob.

“Did he tell you that?”

“Yeah.” A car pulled up next to Happy and Deadpool. “Peter tells us everything. You ever try to shut that kid up?” The passenger and driver doors opened. “Get in.”

Deadpool got in and glanced over at Happy. “So, if Tony is Daddy, and Pepper is Mommy, does that make you… Uncle Happy? By an odd coincidence, that’s what I call my johnson.”

“I don’t like your tone, but since I’m dating Peter’s aunt, yeah, I’m Uncle Happy.”

“Well, fuck me.”

“I’m glad we understand each other.”

The rest of the drive passed in silence. After getting out of the car at the industrial park, Deadpool leaned back in.

“What?” Happy said.

“Just thought I’d give you a last chance to tell me you’ll fuck me up if I hurt Peter. Everyone else has. Including Peter.”

Happy almost smiled. “Do I really need to put it into words for you?”

“You’re right. Stupid question. Forget I said anything. Thanks for this completely unnecessary and profoundly insulting trip back to high school.”

“You’re welcome.” Happy drove away.

“Hi, Miss Potts,” Peter said as he and Tony approached the table where Pepper sat. He looked out the wall of glass. “Wow. I can see Central Park.”

Tony smiled at the waiter who was waiting to seat them. “Bring a bottle of Veuve Clicquot, a carafe of peach nectar, and another ginger ale for the lady. Thanks.” Tony sat. “Peter, take a chair.”

“Everyone is dressed so nice,” Peter said as he sat. “You look real pretty, Miss Potts.”

“Thank you. I ordered for us. I hope that’s all right.”

“It’s your party,” Tony said.

The champagne was uncorked and poured into two flutes half full of peach nectar. Tony handed one to Peter. Pepper picked up her glass.

“To us,” she toasted.

Peter clinked glasses and took a cautious sip. “Wow. That’s amazing!”

The food wasn’t so weird after all. Croissants with curry chicken salad were the wildest thing they ate. There were tiny quiches, shrimp cocktail, and a lot of fresh fruit with real whipped cream. Peter hadn’t forgotten that Mr. Stark had hijacked him, but then again, he should have remembered the date. It was just that Deadpool was so… distracting.

Anyway, this wasn’t so bad. He was actually having fun talking to Miss Potts. Usually, he felt a little intimidated and a lot nervous in her company. But watching her tease Mr. Stark and seeing the glow in his eyes when he looked at her, well, that was about as awesome as it got. Almost enough to make him forget how mad he was at Mr. Stark.

“So, Peter,” Pepper said. “Did you save room for dessert? Or are you watching your caloric intake?”

“I wouldn’t worry.” Tony smiled at Peter. “I’d bet he burns calories as fast as he ingests them.”

“I could definitely eat some dessert,” Peter said.

“Sorry to put you through it again,” Tony said, after dessert arrived. “But we need to talk about you know who.”

Peter swallowed a mouthful of chocolate ganache. “I wish you’d just—”

“Please,” Pepper said. “I’d like to have a say too, if that’s all right.”

“Um, of course,” Peter said. He put down his fork.

Tony put a hand on Peter’s shoulder. “First of all, I think you’re very special. You know that, right?”

Peter nodded. “I guess. I mean, yes.”

“It’s not a guess,” Pepper said. “I think you’re pretty special too. In fact, if we have a boy, I hope he’s just like you.”

Peter blinked, caught off guard. “Wow. I don’t know what to say, Miss Potts.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Pepper cleared her throat. “So, Tony tells me you like Mr. Wilson a lot.”

Peter nodded again.

“He seems to feel the same way about you. We don’t need to talk to you about condoms and safe sex, right?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Right, and you can underline it.”

“Tony and I know that you’re intelligent, and you’re mature for your age in many ways, but in other ways, you’re… vulnerable. It would be easy for someone to make you believe they liked you when in reality all they wanted was to use you.”

“Spike’s not like that.”

“It’s just a hypothetical,” Tony said.

“Your darned right it is,” Peter said, his voice rising a bit. “You haven’t even bothered trying to get to know him.”

Tony glanced at Pepper.

“Peter’s right,” she said. “I’m not thrilled by the prospect but after having something resembling a civil conversation with the man, I’d be willing to talk to him again.”

“No,” Tony said. He met Peter’s gaze. “I will not entertain this idea. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I can’t pick your friends, but I can’t pretend to be okay with you _dating_ someone like _him_. I don’t want you to resent me, but I—”

Peter sighed. “You don’t have to worry about that, Mr. Stark. I understand why you’re acting like this; I really do. I mean, I get it. Deadpool is… sketchy, but—” He turned to look at Pepper and then turned back to Tony. “I wish I could explain how I feel. How he makes me feel.”

Pepper and Tony exchanged another glance.

“Okay, I had to give it one last try,” Tony said. “I’d like to thank Pepper for going along, and I’ll repeat that I still vehemently disapprove, but I’ll stop lecturing you about it.”

“Thank you, Mr. Stark. I don’t like disagreeing with you, so maybe that will tell you how much I like him.”

Tony shook his head. “I’m just going to pretend this is a fling that you’ll soon outgrow.”

Peter met Tony’s gaze. “Whatever makes you happy.” He cleared his throat. “But if you ever do something like you did this morning, things will change between us.”

Tony looked shocked and it was a few seconds before he answered. “Fair enough.”

“Can I ask a question now?” Pepper said. “Should I add Mr. Wilson to the wedding guest list?”

Tony grimaced. “Let’s hope junior comes to his senses before then, but better add him just in case.”

“That’s awesome, you guys,” Peter said. The tension went out of his posture and he smiled as he took another bite of his dessert.

“I feel like I’ve been played, but I don’t care,” Tony said to Pepper.

“We played ourselves.” She smiled. “Peter, would you like to leave now?”

“Uh, well, I had a real good time, ma’am, and I really enjoyed the food, but I’d kind of like to get out of this suit. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. Thank you both for, uh, making sure I was dressed, you know, properly.”

“The clothes are yours,” Pepper said. “One of these days, I’m going to take you shopping.”

“Ooph!” Tony turned away and mimed retching. “Run, Pete,” he croaked. “Save yourself.”

Peter laughed. “Thanks again for brunch and the suit,” he said as he stood up. “I’ll tell Aunt May about the sophistication I absorbed.” He smiled fondly at Pepper and Tony. “See ya.” He left the restaurant and less than ten minutes later, he was outside Deadpool’s door.


	18. Eighteen

“So?” Tony looked over at Pepper. “What do you think?”

“I think it went well.”

“No, I mean, do think Peter and Deadpool are… you know?”

“Really? You think I can look at Peter and tell if he’s had sex?”

“Yeah, I do. I’m positive you can, in fact.”

Pepper pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes at Tony. No way was she going to tell him that she was certain Peter had had sex recently… very recently. “I know you think of him as a kind of surrogate son, and I not only respect that, I encourage it, but….”

“But what?”

“Do you think you might be a little obsessed with the kid’s love life?”

“Why does he have a love life in the first place? Who approved that? Because I sure didn’t.”

“As hard as it may be to accept, the people we love are going to do things we don’t approve of. Your father didn’t approve of a lot of things you did.”

“Yeah, well, turns out he was right.” Tony finished his drink and set the glass down. “Do you think he heard us, Pep? Do you think anything got through to him?”

“Tony, that kid hangs on your every word.” Pepper sat back and regarded her fiancé with a measured stare. “It must really be something to be worshiped by someone like Peter.”

“Worship?” Tony scoffed. “Do you really see it that way?”

“No, I’m stroking your ego.” Pepper laughed at his change of expression. “Just kidding. Of course, Peter idolizes you, you egomaniac Anyone can see that. Now, if you’ve finished, there’s a car waiting to take us to the photoshoot.”

“Wait. Photoshoot? What photoshoot?”

“Our engagement announcement?”

“I need to change.”

“I had Happy send over an assortment of your favorite suits, plus one I had made especially for you.” Pepper smiled impishly.

Tony sighed. “I should have left with the kid.”

Pepper put her arm through his as they left the restaurant. “I’m really going to enjoy this,” she said.

Deadpool opened the front door and saw Peter standing there looking like he’d stepped off a page in some Junior GQ magazine. “Come on in.”

Peter hugged Deadpool. “I’m really sorry about all the—”

“Pfffft. You think I blame you for that? You’re a victim too.”

Peter looked up. “Uh, I don’t think of myself as a victim.”

“How about puppet? Does that sound better?”

“Wait. What? Why are you saying that?”

Deadpool took a step away from Peter. “Stark says jump, and you… you leap to the top of a tall building.”

“It’s kind of my job.”

Deadpool shook his head. “You’re never going to be your own person with him controlling your life.”

“Hey.” Peter frowned. “What’s going on here?”

“I’m trying to tell you I don’t think this it’s going to work out between us.”

“What?” 

“We’re too different, you know? You’re corporate; I’m guerrilla. You’re a pillow fight, and I’m handcuffs and hot wax on the nipples.”

Peter felt like he was taking one punch after another with his hands tied behind him. “I can’t believe you’re saying these things. This is a prank, right?”

“I think the best thing would be for you to gather whatever belongs to you and go home to your auntie.”

“I don’t want to go anywhere.” Peter blinked away tears. “I want to stay with you.”

“I knew this was a bad idea from the beginning, but I wanted what I wanted.”

“Are you telling me you just wanted to have sex with me?”

“Who wouldn’t?”

It was several moments before Peter spoke again. He didn’t cry, and his voice was firm when he didn’t say anything of the things Deadpool was expecting.

“Look, I know I’m young, but just how stupid do you think I am? Did you think I’d believe this act? I know you’re trying to, trying to, to drive me away, so just, just stop it.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid, Peter. I think you’re naïve and gullible.”

“So, you don’t see the flaw in your evil plan to nail me? Really?”

Deadpool turned away.

“We didn’t do it yet!” Peter shouted at Deadpool’s back.

“Wrong. We didn’t have intercourse but… last night? That was definitely sex.”

“It was?” Peter paused. His expression changed from concerned to delighted “Cool.”

Deadpool clenched his jaw. “Fuck! I can barely restrain myself from bending you over that table but… that would be redundant.”

“Redundant?” Peter shook his head. “What did Mr. Stark say to you to make you act like this? Because whatever it was, he changed his mind. He finally accepted that he can’t make me ditch you. He told me like ten minutes ago.”

Deadpool got very still for a few seconds. “Hold up, Shortcake. You’re saying Stark and company aren’t going to harass us anymore?” He groaned dramatically. “Oh man. I spent the last couple of hours working myself up to do the noble thing, and now I don’t have to? What a moral dilemma. What a waste of my time. Obviously, I should do the decent thing and walk away, but damn, the booty on you.”

Peter cracked up. “So, it _was_ all a joke,” he said.

“Uh, of course, it was. Now, come to papa.” Deadpool held out his arms.

Peter threw himself into the hug. “I almost cried,” he said accusingly.

“I would have licked those tears away.” Deadpool nuzzled Peter’s ear.

Peter squirmed. “That tickles.”

“Yeah? You like it?”

“Yeah.” Peter hugged Deadpool tighter, sinking his fingers into the broad muscles of his back. “I know I have like zero experience, but I’m looking forward to learning all of it.”

“You keep talking like that and I’m going to come in my pants. Again.”

Peter groaned. “Oh shit, I forgot. I really wish I could stay, but I have play practice, even though we didn’t have school today. It isn’t fair.”

“Skip it.”

“I can’t. the rest of the cast is counting on me. Mr. Dell will be disappointed.”

“Stay,” Deadpool whispered. He spread his hand over Peter’s crotch.

Peter jumped. “Oh, hey. Sorry, my bad. I wasn’t ready.”

Deadpool leaned in and kissed him. “How ‘bout now?”

“Yeah, okay. I guess I can miss one practice. I mean, I know my lines already anyway.”

“Wait.” Deadpool let go of Peter. “Wow. Am I genuinely a bad influence like Stark says?”

“Oh my god, no, not again.” Peter sighed loudly. “You can’t keep getting me wound up and then changing your mind.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty shitty.”

Peter immediately backpedaled. “No, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have said that. I respect you and if you want to stop now, I respect that too.”

“You should go. Not because you promised you would, but because I’ll feel like a real shitheel if you don’t.”

Peter pouted just a little. “Yeah, you’re right. I was already starting to feel guilty.” He looked up to meet Deadpool’s eyes. “One more kiss?”

“You got it, Shortcake.” Deadpool swept Peter up into a deep, tender kiss that got hotter the longer it went on. He flattened his hands against the upper swell of Peter’s ass and applied pressure, holding him firmly in place as he rocked his hips. He swallowed Peter’s strangled little cry of pleasure and held him tight for several more minutes, feeling Peter’s heartbeat slow to a normal pace. “You good?”

“Mmhm. That was nice of you.”

“I remember the days when I came every time the wind blew. Good times.” Deadpool kissed the end of Peter’s nose and let him go. “Play practice,” he said in a commanding voice. “But first, a change of underwear, I think.”

Peter blushed but the pleased smile remained in place. He took the extremely brief briefs Deadpool offered, though he preferred boxers, and put them on. Deadpool took charge of Peter’s sticky underwear.

“Off you go. I’ll wait until you leave to put these over my face,” Deadpool said.

“Gross.” Peter shook his head, jumped up to kiss Deadpool, and hurried out the door. “I owe you one,” he shouted over his shoulder.

MJ looked up from painting a flat when Peter walked into the auditorium. She gave him a long appraising look, and then went back to work.

Peter sat down on the floor beside her. “Did I miss anything?”

“Mr. Dell texted everyone that practice was cancelled.”

“Dammit!” Peter took out his phone. It had been switched over to silent mode. “Deadpool,” he said under his breath.

“You see him recently?”

“Uh, yeah, I have.”

“Do anything interesting?”

Peter blushed deep pink.

MJ smiled. “Oh my god. You did the deed.”

“No! I mean sort of but not really.”

“Heavy makeout session? Happy ending?”

Peter ducked his head. “Yeah, it sure was. Heavy, I mean, and, and happy, for sure.”

“Well, of course. It’s Deadpool.” MJ rolled her eyes. “You are so lucky.”

“Am I?”

“Of course!” MJ leaned back and looked at him again. “What false societal construct is oppressing you?”

“I just wish they wouldn’t treat me like I’m twelve. You wouldn’t believe how mad Mr. Stark was when he found out I was dating Deadpool. And Miss Potts. And Happy too. Even Aunt May, a little bit. They all act like they’re protecting me from a fate worse than death or something.”

MJ nodded. “Well, now you know how it feels to be a teenage girl.”

“What?”

“Sorry, but it sounds like the old sacred virgin scenario. That’s all I meant. Anyway, that’s their hang-up. If Deadpool makes you happy and he’s what you want, go for it, and don’t feel guilty about it. Simple.”

“Thank you.”

_“De nada.”_

“Hey, if practice was cancelled, why are you here?”

MJ looked up at the high, shadow-shrouded ceiling. “This is a great space to hang out in and get your thoughts together. Plus, there’s an echo.” She made a high-pitched noise that was repeated until it faded away. “I think I’d make a good bat.”

“Cool. Want to go get a shake or something? I’ll call Ned to come meet us.”

“Okay. Just let me clean up my brushes.” MJ smiled again. “By the way, you’re a legend now.” She held up her hand for a high five.


	19. Nineteen

The Stark-Potts engagement party at the Tower was elegant but relaxed. The guests were requested to dress for cocktails, and all had obliged. Peter liked seeing the Avengers in regular clothes instead of their uniforms, and he was thrilled that his boyfriend was standing next to him. Hell, he was thrilled by the word boyfriend. 

Deadpool almost jumped when Peter put a hand on his arm. He didn’t trust Stark’s motives in inviting him and was keyed up on the alert for an ambush.

“Relax,” Peter said.

“Does anyone ever relax after being told to relax?”

Peter smiled. “You look amazing in that suit.”

“So, you’ve said a few dozen times.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know I was being— It’s just— Every time I look at you, I think, oh my god, he looks amazing. I mean, you always look amazing but—”

“I’m kidding, and _you’re_ amazing. Who else would look at me and think I’m attractive?” Deadpool tousled Peter’s hair.

About thirty feet away, Tony Stark witnessed this tender gesture and made a noise somewhere between gagging and a growl.

“You okay?” Natasha asked. “Need me to Heimlich you?”

“I’m not choking. I was just hit with sudden intense nausea.”

Clint and Natasha looked in the direction of Tony’s gaze and saw Peter Parker holding hands with Deadpool.

Natasha nodded her comprehension of the situation but said nothing. She ran a hand over her red-gold chignon, smoothed the pleats of her lime-green cocktail dress and let her partner handle it. This called for a machete, not a scalpel.

“Look, Tony, I get it. We all get it,” Clint said. “Another stallion cut a colt out of your herd, and you’re pissed as hell about it. Relax. You could stand to lose a pounds of ego.”

“No, you don’t get it. I’m only worried about Peter’s safety.”

Clint laughed. “Whatever you say, man.”

Natasha leaned against Clint’s shoulder. “You do seem a bit jealous, Tony.”

“I’m surrounded by morons.”

“Want me to kill them for you?” Clint asked.

Tony changed the subject. “Where are you hiding your… quiver in that suit?” He gave Clint a long survey. “Well, damn. You clean up good.”

Clint laughed again. “I can die happy. Tony Stark complimented my clothes.”

“Don’t scoff,” Natasha said. “It’s a real honor, but it won’t change the subject.” She glanced over at Peter and Deadpool. “And that’s not going to be a colt for much longer. What you’ve got there is a little stallion.”

“Can we lay off the nature analogies now?” Tony asked, but there was pride in his voice.

“Yeah, they grow up so fast,” Clint said.

Tony gave Clint a sharp look, but he didn’t think the archer was making fun of him. It was never easy to tell with this guy. He gave away so few clues.

“By the way,” Natasha said. “Big props to you, Tone, for being the cool dad.” She lowered her voice. “It was a good play. Keep the kid close and the boyfriend closer. You can keep both eyes on him. Smart.”

Tony wisely kept his mouth shut and accepted the compliment. She was as stingy with praise as Clint was with clues. And he didn’t want her to find out it was actually Pepper’s idea. “I may be new at this dad stuff, but I think I have good instincts.”

“You go ahead and think that,” Clint said.

Tony was about to retort when he saw Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes join Peter and Deadpool. He relaxed a little and magnanimously allowed Clint to get away with the snarky remark.

“Hey, Queens, good to see you again,” Steve said as he offered his hand for Peter to shake. He turned to Deadpool. “And you.” He extended his hand.

Deadpool gripped Captain America’s hand and braced himself, but it didn’t turn into a squeeze-off for dominance. “Yeah, it’s me,” he said. “Your favorite superhero.”

“How are you super again?” Bucky asked, nothing but curiosity in his voice.

“He can’t die,” Peter said.

“Is that right?” Now there was speculation in Bucky’s tone and a gleam in his eye.

Steve cleared his throat. “Let’s talk about something else before this gets weird.”

“Can it get weirder?” Peter asked. “Mr. Stark is watching me like I’m planning on robbing the place. I mean, he tells me he accepts my choices, but then he, you know, surveils me. If I could just figure out how he does it.”

“Uncool,” Bucky said.

Steve gave Bucky a “what the fuck?” look. “Mr. Stark cares about you is what Bucky meant to say. Right?”

“I said what I meant to say.”

“I know he cares,” Peter said. “And that’s great. It really is, but—”

“Why is he such an obnoxious cockblock?” Deadpool suggested. He ignored Steve’s frown of disapproval.

Peter laughed. “Yeah, that.”

“Look,” Bucky said. “Maybe it would help to think of it this way: you belong to a pride now, and the older lions are naturally going to protect the cub.”

“Nobody’s put it to me quite like that, Mr. Barnes. ” Peter paused. “Look, sir, I know you meant that in a good way, but it was really, uh, condescending.”

Bucky gave Steve a “you believe this guy?” look. Steve shrugged. “Tough guy, huh?” Bucky said to Peter, his tone somewhere between amusement and admiration.

“I’m not looking to start a fight, but—”

Bucky held up a hand. “I know you aren’t, kid. Relax.”

“We’ll cut you some slack since you’re from Queens,” Steve said.

“Hey, what’s wrong with Queens?” Peter exclaimed.

“How much time you got?” Bucky drawled.

“How about you stop double-teaming the kid?” Deadpool said.

Steve cocked an eyebrow at Deadpool. He didn’t look angry, just a little… challenging. “The kid can take it; in case you hadn’t noticed.”

“But should he have to?” Deadpool countered.

Bucky looked at Steve. Steve’s chiseled features twitched in a tiny grimace that said, “Yeah, I know he’s right, but I don’t have to like it.”

“I’m sorry for teasing you,” Steve said to Peter.

“Are you kidding? Being teased by Captain America and the Winter Soldier? That’s awesome!”

Steve smiled as he patted Peter’s shoulder. “You might not have the weight, kid, but you’ve got the fire. Don’t let anybody tell you different.”

“Fuck yeah,” Bucky added.

Steve gave his partner a reproachful stare.

“Oh, for the love of—” Bucky rolled his eyes. “It’s just us men.”

“That doesn’t mean we have to be vulgar.”

Peter chuckled.

Deadpool shrugged. “It appears you were right, Cap, but of course, you are, because… you’re you, right?”

“Is that sarcasm?” Steve asked. 

“I think it’s time I try the punch,” Deadpool said.

“I’ll get you some.” Peter dashed off to the buffet.

“No, that’s all right, I—” Deadpool stopped speaking and turned to face Steve and Bucky. “Alone at last,” he said brightly.

“Eighty-six the chatter,” Steve said to Deadpool. “You listen for a change, motormouth. I assume Stark already gave you the speech about how badly we’ll mess you up if anything happens to Peter.”

“ _Fuck_ you up,” Bucky clarified.

“Yeah, he did. More than once, actually. So did Pepper.”

Bucky and Steve exchanged a glance and their demeanor became markedly more relaxed.

“Well then,” Steve said. “Not much I can add to that. Enjoy the party.” He walked away.

Bucky pointed two fingers at his eyes and then aimed those fingers at Deadpool before he followed Steve.

Deadpool got the message. The Unambiguously Gay Duo would be keeping an eye on him. Fine. He felt safer already.

“Thor’s here,” Peter said when he returned with Deadpool’s punch. “Let’s go talk to him.”

As always, Thor’s radiant presence attracted a circle of laughing people. Peter left Deadpool chatting with Natasha and went over to where Tony stood momentarily alone. Tony gazed out over the city, and he didn’t turn when Peter stopped beside him.

“Great party, Mr. Stark. Thank you. Really. Thank you so much for inviting us.”

Tony winced a little at the plural pronoun. “I’m only going to do this once, so I’m going to do it right. I’m referring, of course, to marriage.”

“Oh. Good. That’s good to hear. I’m sure Miss Potts will be happy to hear it too.”

“I heard it from her.” Tony looked over at Peter and smiled. “How you doin’, junior?”

“I’m good, Mr. Stark, real good. I’d tell you if I wasn’t. Promise.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” Tony turned his head to look Peter in the eyes. “Level with me. Are you happy? Tell me just once. I can handle the rest of it if I know you’re happy, that I didn’t ruin your life when I scooped you up and shook you around like a snow globe.” He smiled. “Like a very smart and independent snow globe.”

“I’m happy,” Peter assured him. “You know, mostly, anyway. I’m a little stressed about the play and keeping my physics grades up for MIT, but otherwise, it’s good. No, it’s great.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes! Thanks to you, my future looks amazing.”

“I’m just a facilitator, kid. You’ll have to do all the heavy lifting.”

“No worries.” Peter smiled at Tony.

“Peter….” Tony swallowed and said the words he’d kept to himself for a while. “You’ll always be the child of my heart if not my blood.”

“Uh, seriously? Wow. I mean, that’s, that’s major, Mr. Stark, but… really, um, sappy too.”

“Sappy, huh? I ought to ground you.”

Peter laughed as he threw his arms around Tony. “Thanks for everything. Really.”

Tony returned the hug warmly, as he deftly removed the nanobug from behind Peter’s ear. “You’re welcome,” he said. He kissed Peter’s cheek loudly before he let him go. “Go on now. Your skank is giving me the stink-eye.”

“Come on, Mr. Stark.”

“No, I will not come on. You will go, Mr. Parker.”

Several emotions chased one another across Peter’s guileless features before he settled on one. “Awesome!”


	20. Twenty/The Tease

About a week later, Tony found himself looking at Deadpool sipping a beer on his couch. He’d called Peter to come check out some mods to the webshooter design, and Peter had brought his _friend_. Peter was currently talking with Pepper about God knows what leaving Tony alone with Deadpool.

“I can hear you grinding your teeth,” Deadpool said.

“Ohhh-kay.” Tony picked up his beer. “What’s new with you?”

Deadpool raised an eyebrow. “Same old. Since I got revenge on the man who did this to me—” he waved a hand at his face. “I spend most of my time in tight red leather kicking ass.”

“What a delightful mental image.”

Deadpool rolled his eyes. “Look, the Beav is fine, Mr. Cleaver. Really. He’s better than fine, in fact. He’s fucking fantastic, and I can’t fucking believe he can even stand me, much less love me. But he does and he’s my everything. So, there it is. My soul. Bleeding on the ground in front of your feet. What are you going to do?”

“Two minutes ago, I would have tap-danced on it—after I changed into cleats. Now… I don’t know.” Tony paused and then plunged ahead. “I wonder if you’d agree to some experiments.”

“Yeah, that’s a sore subject.”

“I should have said treatments not experiments.”

“I have trust issues.”

“I’m talking about me, not some pseudo-Nazi, clandestine, world-taking-over organization. Well, me and Banner… and Dr. Cho.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“I’m talking about giving you new skin.”

“Well, that’s real presumptuous of you, but it won’t work.”

“I’m a pretty smart guy and I have some pretty smart friends.”

“What’s going on over here?” Peter asked as he stopped behind the couch where Deadpool sat. He put his hands on Deadpool’s shoulders and smiled down at him.

Pepper walked around to sit next to Tony.

“Just chatting,” Deadpool said.

“You looked kind of tense.” Peter massaged Deadpool’s shoulders.

“Did I mention I was chatting with your pseudo-dad?”

Peter laughed. “You crack me up.”

“Yeah, he’s a riot,” Tony said sourly.

Pepper kissed Tony’s cheek. “It’s okay,” she said. “I still love you best of all.”

Tony took her hand. “How did I get so lucky?” He looked over at Deadpool. “Seriously though, you just say the word, and we’re on.”

Deadpool tilted his head back to look up at Peter. “Tony wants to fix me.”

Peter looked over at Tony. “Fix him? Like a— Like a dog?”

“His _skin_ ,” Tony said. “I think Dr. Cho, Dr. Banner, and I can cure him. Or heal him. Or….” He sighed. “Fix him.”

“Oh. That’s cool,” Peter said. “As long as you understand, I love him just the way he is.”

Deadpool stood up. “And we should probably get going if we’re going to catch the first round.”

“We’re going to watch roller derby,” Peter said. “Bye, Mr. Stark. Bye, Miss Potts.”

“You okay?” Pepper asked when their guests were gone.

“I’ll never get used to _him_ , but…. Does he seem different to you?”

“You mean since the first time I met him?”

“Yes.”

“Vastly.”

Tony stroked his beard. “What did I miss?”

Pepper smiled. “You were so afraid Mr. Wilson would corrupt Peter that you never thought to see it from the other side.”

Tony turned his head to look her in the eyes. “You mean?”

“You look like you’re having an _aha!_ moment.”

“Instead of Deadpool ruining Peter, Peter redeemed Deadpool.”

“Well… I don’t think I’d go that far, but yes, Peter rubbed off on him much more than the other way around.”

“I wish you’d worded that a little more carefully. Now I have to picture—”

“No, you don’t.” Pepper kissed him. “And why would you?”

“I’m not doing it on purpose. It just pops into my head.”

“Maybe you should ask yourself why that is.”

“You know, Nat said something very similar once. But that’s no longer an open question. Can I be attracted to men? A rousing yes, pun intended. Do I want to sleep with a man? Meh. I’ll stipulate that there’s probably a man out there that could get me into bed and make me like it, but I haven’t met him.”

“Okay.”

Tony smirked. “But if you want to talk about gods….”

Pepper burst into laughter. “This is why I love you,” she said before she kissed him.

Peter and Deadpool arrived at Deadpool’s place to find the door open. Deadpool motioned Peter to stay behind him. Peter activated the nano-tech wristbands Mr. Stark had given him. Sleek vibranium alloy telescoped out to his palm. His fingers hovered over the trigger buttons that would send web fluid shooting from the wrist nozzles.

“Let me go first.” Peter got in front of Deadpool with a supple move. He leaped through the opening and looked around for a target.

The girl lounging on Deadpool’s couch looked up from a comic book. Her dark hair was cropped seal-sleek and she wore black lipstick. When she stood, she revealed a compact frame that was the female equivalent of Peter’s gymnast body. She popped her gum and fixed her sullen gaze on Peter. “Who the fuck’re you, Poindexter?”

“What the fuck are _you_ doing in my house?” Deadpool countered.

She shrugged. “I’m a messenger.”

“Peter,” Deadpool said. “This is Negasonic Teenage Warhead, but you can call her Ellie; she hates that. Ellie, this is Peter Parker. Don’t call him.”

“Awesome name,” Peter told her.

Warhead ignored him and spoke to Deadpool. “Is this, like, your boyfriend, or something? He looks younger than me.”

“He’s not. In _so_ many ways. Why are you here?”

“Dr. Xavier wants to see you.”

“And he sent _you_?”

“Colossus refused to come.”

“Oh, hey, that reminds me. You can tell him to relax, okay? I’m over him.”

“Apparently.” Ellie cocked an eyebrow at Peter. “Doesn’t look like your type.”

“Hahaha, you think I have a type. That’s cute.”

“Seriously, what’s going on?” Peter interjected. “Is this your sister?”

“Do you have a death wish?” Ellie asked him.

“Whoa, Charlize Bronson,” Deadpool said. “Don’t forget I’m sweet on him.”

Ellie stared at Deadpool. She ignored the insult she didn’t understand and focused on the latter half of his sentence. “Excuse me. You’re what?” She popped her gum again. “ _Sweet_ on him?”

“Forget it. Just know that Peter is off-limits. He’s Switzerland. Got it?”

“Whatever.” She handed Deadpool something tiny. “I’m out.” She looked at Peter again. “You are kind of cute,” she said.

“Um, thanks, so are you.”

Ellie turned to Deadpool. “He’s sweet,” she said. It didn’t sound like a compliment.

“Buh-bye now,” Deadpool said. “Your dollies must miss you.”

She flipped him off before she left.

“What was that about?” Peter asked.

“She can’t even.”

Peter laughed. “Seriously, though, what did she want?”

“She’s one of the X-Men. Her boss keeps trying to recruit me. I’m really surprised he didn’t come after you. Maybe he didn’t want to poach on the Avengers. Who knows?” Deadpool lifted Peter’s chin on his fingers. “I mean, you _are_ a mutant, right?”

“I, uh, I guess. I have a mutation, that’s for sure.” Peter chuckled.

“What’s funny?”

“I was just thinking that Warhead girl would probably be great at roller derby.”

“You have no idea.” Deadpool said.

“So, are you going to see Dr. Xavier?” Peter asked.

“No. I don’t need him in my head. It’s crowded enough in there already.”

Peter chuckled again. “Okay, Sybil.”

“Ooh, that was a good one,” Deadpool said.

Peter beamed proudly. “I did some research into really old movies. Like ancient.”

“We should watch some together. I’m a little bored with superhero movies. It’s all CGI and explosions, and of course, the hero’s girlfriend is in physical danger at some point.”

“If he has one,” Peter pointed.

“If it’s a he,” Deadpool went him one better. “Captain Marvel. Hello?”

“What about Ellie?”

“Oh yeah, her too. Her girlfriend is the cutest. You won’t be meeting her.” Deadpool paused. “So… you want to sit on the couch and pretend to watch Steel Magnolias while we make out like crazy?”

“You had me at Steel Magnolias, whatever that is.”

“Have I told you how much I love— how honest you are?” _Whew. Close one, Deadpool._ “You just say what you’re thinking without worrying about how it makes you look.”

“I look like a geek, most of the time.”

Deadpool ran a hand over Peter’s hair and down his cheek to rest on his shoulder. “The cutest geek ever.”

Peter laughed. “Race you to the couch.” He shoved Deadpool aside and then did a backflip onto the couch.

“You cheated!” Deadpool was genuinely shocked. “No donut for you.”

“I don’t want a donut.”

Deadpool sat next to Peter and picked up the remote. “Let’s see. Something romantic. Shark Week? No, too soft-core. The Proposal? No. You’d start comparing me to Ryan Reynolds and get distracted. Hm. Let’s see what’s on—oh my god! The Lost Boys!”

“No.” Peter took the remote. “ _You’ll_ be distracted by Lost Boys.” He started surfing. “Bingo! Titanic. Most boring movie ever.”

“What? I cried my eyes out.”

“You’ve got to be kidding. There was plenty of room on that raft for Jack too.”

“Find something else.”

Peter found a music channel playing alt pop and tossed the remote out of Deadpool’s reach.

“Bitch!” Deadpool pounced on Peter.

Several steamy kisses and a lot of semi-awkward groping later, Deadpool was within centimeters of having his hand down the back of Peter’s jeans and eagerly anticipating smooth, bare butt skin in three, two—

A bolt of lightning speared through the room, the couch, and the two men. It didn’t shock or burn any of these things. Deadpool and Peter looked at each other. As they stared in surprise, Peter started to fade like a Polaroid in reverse.

“Oh no, you don’t,” Deadpool said. He wrapped his arms and legs around Peter and held on with all his strength.

Peter and Deadpool rematerialized in a dark room with shadowy edges. Immediately, a bright light flared from above illuminating what looked like a hangar for a blimp. It was empty, other than the tall, slim figure standing in front of a divided door that looked like it hid a vault.

“Mr. Loki?” Peter said.

Loki met Peter’s gaze. “Parker, I’m so sorry,” he said.

The doors behind him swooshed open.

To be continued in _For the Love of Pete_ starting tomorrow.


End file.
